Thursday, May 29, 2014

Counting years

A young lady once wrote that you can be whatever you want in this life. Just don't be bitter. 

In a few weeks I will turn 27. It is nerve wracking, to be honest, especially that the past 26 years were never kind. If you've been in what you think are the lowest points in your life, there's always that fear of being submerged into something lower than that. Like hell. 

Going back a few days, I marked the fourth year since I put up this blog. It amazes me since I never thought I will last this long. I retraced the previous strings of words I threaded, much to my shame. But then it amazes me even more how far I've come and how things are just the same only in different contexts. 

For example, there were entries dealing with my dilemmas at work. Four years after and I'm still on the same boat. Recently, I filed my resignation but was "partially" rejected. My boss asked me to think about it more, giving me a vacation which happens to begin right at this point that I'm writing this. 

Then there's depression. Three weeks ago, I became very sick due to a severe case of "madness." Panic attacks and anxiety were very frequent. I was not eating for days, and, as a result, I suffered from a series of heartburn. I was diagnosed with GERD (gastroesophageal reflux disease) and had to be medicated. I am better now, thank God, but still recovering. 

On matters of love, well, I guess you could say that I'm still unlucky. I'm still rejected, still unpretty, and still brokenhearted. 

Once I believed in the same mythology. The hero needs to get beaten up first. Then slowly he rises. He slays dragons and saves his princess. Ultimately, he triumphs in the end. 

In the 26 years that I had lived, and in four years that I've been writing about miseries, I learned that there are stories that doesn't make any sense. That not all people who sit side-by-side in a lonely evening bus ride home would fall in love with each other. Or that when you slouch in some corner of a bar, someone would offer you a drink and then you'll live happily ever after. 

The dragons do exist, yes, but slaying one doesn't guarantee you a princess or a prince, more so a castle. 

That's the curious thing about counting years. In an instant, past, present and future align in a rare phenomenon. You take the good, learn from the bad, draw your conclusion, and decide where to go from that point. 

I decided long ago that I will be both happy and sad. But definitely not bitter. I decided to believe in stars and the moon. I decided to have faith in my own eyes and the way they always see through the tears. 

I will not try for people to love me. I will not try to be pretty. I'll just live through this and hope for something a little extraordinary.

Post script:

I just want to say how sincerely thankful I am for the people I've met through this blog and those who continue to patronize my words. No words will be enough to convey my gratitude.

And to those who still believe in me, I owe you all this life I have. 

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