I'm on the edge of my sanity. Recent defeats were just too much to bear and a lot of things are riding on the decision I am about to make within the next two to four months. To be honest, I'm hoping I'll have my choices in a month or two as I can no longer bear the grief I am carrying staying in this organization.
Truth is I am decided. I will leave the organization. I am about to turn my back from this profession which served my purpose for the past years. This very profession which defined my core and has been the constant source of agony and joy of my life, I could no longer tolerate. But that is not the whole truth. Yes, it serves as a factor for this hastened decision that I do not agree anymore with the system on play and the people pulling the strings. Therefore, I thought what remaining honorable thing to do but plan my quiet exit and return to nothingness before I can no longer distinguish myself within the haze of anguish and doubt.
Some would say it was bruised ego that brought this. I wish it is that simple. An ego which can easly bend to favors and illusionary compliment. But I feel betrayed. That all my hardwork, all our hardwork all those years were scrapped in a snap, is a plain mockery, an insult to us who brought the competition onto the next level, distingushed even by men and women from outside the organization. And for what? Only to be preyed by self centeredness, irrationality, superficiality, and worse, politics.
My heart bleeds for this injustice. Here I am again, swallowed by such tremendous grief that even sleep could not ease the pain. I lost my purpose. I'm no longer sure of my direction. Everyday since the day I was told of this mockery, I walk like a dead man, constantly gnawing at images of humiliation and torment as I slowly drift into the pit of depression.
I know no more of words that would suffice to imprint the deep sorrow I have now. My very inside was pierced, twisted in agonizing grip. I searched for reprieve but none came except endless fear.