Monday, February 24, 2014

There are worse things I could do

"Hey what's happening. Bakit di ka nagrereply?"

Five days before this text, for the first time, I ventured into the world of Grindr. But whether you believe me or not, hook-up is the farthest from my mind when I signed up for this, neither was the delusional intention of finding friends nor an acquiantance. On the contrary I was looking for an enemy. 

Sometimes when my mind wanders too far, like the hours before that instance, I thought about how it would feel being on the other end of the spectrum. I wondered how would I feel being a heartbreaker? But then I asked: how to be a heartbreaker?

From my experience it's easy. Get to know someone. Be the fairy-tale-fashioned guy everyone secretly dreams of. Tell him what exactly he wants to hear. After all, everyone is a little broken inside. Find your way through that crack and tickle that silent damsel in distress sulking in it. The moment he took the bait, then that's the time to disappear. From here on, there are options a heartbreaker can do: silently drifts away or pound more on that shattered heart of your victim. 

This was my plan five days ago. Why Grindr? Because believe it or not, fantacizing homos are flocking the harem in search of love in a seemingly hopeless place. Alas, thanks to romance pocket books this plot never goes out of trend. 

In an instant I found four candidates to my sojourn. I picked "Henry" because he seemed to be the most fragile of all. I sent him a picture of me tailored for the fishing: half-naked, my hands sliding down under my crotch revealing my smooth chest with, of course, my face almost unrecognizable. Contrary to this, he was hesitant in giving me his picture. He said he's chubby and not even average looking. 

It took a lot of convincing for him to give in to my request. I said that it doesn't matter how he looks like for I look into one's heart, not into one's face, that I'm not after hook-ups that I'm not looking for something temporal but for a gem that is eternal. And so he gave up. 

He was telling the truth. Henry is far from beauty. He is obviously overweight, pimple marks are all over his saggy face and he's sporting a long greasy hair. He used some filter, probably a 360 camera because he seemed to be glowing. It didn't make much of a difference to be honest. 

As the exchange of messages went on, I got a hint of his personality. He's timid, shy, and a bookworm. He loves comics and a graduate of engineering from one of the top universities of the country. We talked about Haruki Murakami's "Kafka On The Shore", incidentally a favorite of mine. He was fascinated by my passion for sports, one of my real traits I shared with him. He seemed interested. He asked me a lot about the technicalities of basketball and my opinion on the country's much awaited return to FIBA World Cup. 

I was starting to enjoy the conversation. He seemed smart and fun to be with. I also learned that he's a breadwinner and that he has three siblings. He told me his dreams. He told me how frustrated he is because he can't seem to find love and that no guy ever notices him. 

I couldn't explain what I felt when the conversation suddenly went there. And as I was staring at his picture, to my horror, I saw myself in it. 

I am that chubby guy with pimple marks all over his face. I am that guy with saggy face and greasy hair. I am that breadwinner, that timid and shy guy who's frustrated because no guy seems to care for how he feels. I was Henry - brokenhearted, a fantasizing homo still looking for love despite the seemingly endless charade of hopelessness. 

I immediately uninstalled Grindr from my phone. I removed the simcard I was using with my other phone where he used to send me morning greetings and meal reminders. 

Yes I feel guilt. Even worse, I feel stupid. I prayed hard, went to confession. The Sunday gospel about loving even those who have wronged us left me in tears.

Breaking Henry's heart will not give me the love I was looking for, I so realized. Maybe revenge was the thing I was seeking, I am not sure. But it's wrong for me to even think about hurting someone. Because whether the rejection I suffered from the previous men in my life were intentional or not, no one needs to suffer the same pain as I did. Nobody. 

Two days after I deleted the app, I inserted the simcard once again. There I read Henry's messages. Even out of frustration from my dead silence, a faint hint of care is still there. Before I finally throw away it away, I composed a message and sent it to him:

"Henry. The world is unkind and unfair to our likes. No guy may ever love you for what are you, but don't be like them. Never let failure extinguish the love you have in you. It's not you who have a problem, it's the world who has a problem. I am terribly sorry. Please take care of yourself."

Note: This is an unedited copy. Apologies if there are typos or wrong grammar. 
Title "There are worse things I could do" is from the musical "Grease" by Jim Jacobs and Warren Casey

9 reaction(s):

Anonymous said...

so now you know how it feels to be a heartbreaker, intentional or not. do you like the feeling

Geosef Garcia said...

It's good that you had your realization in the end. Sometimes, we like to break others because we, ourselves, are broken.

kalansaycollector said...

nice post.

god. i believe people who are finding love in grndr are delusional.

and well i guess this post is a testament to that.

it is just full of shard of broken hearts.

...nice nice ending.

♔ıǝɹɯɐı♔ said...

Getting hurt is never a license to hurt others. The realization at the end was beautiful.

JM said...

In moments I sense of speaking to a delicate, fragile soul, I disengage immediately without ever telling what happened.

Like my introduction on Twitter. "Wake up, I'm just a dream."

Guyrony said...

Your post speaks like poetry of the saddest kind.

That we, as humans, are selective, conditional to the point of delusional.

I know you meant well to Henry when you sent him that.

I hope he understands.

Mac Callister said...

Ang bait mo na DB :-)

I didnt know na chubby ka before, andami makakarelate kay henry

citybuoy said...

Agree ako kay Anon. How did it feel after? Although my point is more rhetorical in nature.

I once asked my friend if Karma works in reverse. Like if bad shit happened to you, pwede ka bang manakit or mang-gago. Feeling ko kasi nun kumowta na ako sa emote. Pero it doesn't work that way. I'm sure Henry will find someone eventually. Sana lang this time seryoso na.

JM said...

if i may.. i believe that there will come a point in everyone's life that we will have the need to so something that cannot be categorized as right or wrong. it cannot be justified by reason, it's just something that comes from deep within the recesses of our being. i think it's normal. who of us haven't done something crazy in our lifetime? that it happens to everyone can somehow be a source of solace.

but i also believe that all our actions have consequences. while it can be painful for henry, it can also help him toughen up. pain can do that to someone. and as you've put down you've learned your lesson too. after all of that everything may still end up well.


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