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Monday, February 18, 2013

This is a love story

"Remember: the time you feel lonely is the time you most need to be by yourself." -Douglas Coupland, Shampoo Planet

































There was a certain crisp of cold in the night's wind and everyone seems to be heading in the same direction. I bid the driver farewell as I was greeted by an attendant wearing a lovely black vest over a red trouser. I sat in a corner holding a glass of red wine with a strange grin on my face. Outside the glass wall, people sashayed under gleaming lights of red and gold. There was good music; there were flowers and birds. I thought for a moment, the place would erupt into singing. And then everything spins. And then I was happy. 

For the longest time, this is probably the sanest Valentine's Day I ever had. Not that I'm bitter or sour, but I don't really believe in Cupid and dangling string of hearts. I always go for that teaching where it says we must strive to extend love everyday even among those who appear least deserving. But I get along. Or at least I try. 

I never had a Valentine's Day where I get to spend it with a partner, be it a girlfriend or a boyfriend. Friends have become constant companion and while we soak under the warmth of each others' jokes and usual sexual innuendos to evade the scathing cold of solitude, there is that longing no crowded dancefloor can ward off. 

The 2011 Valentine's Day was probably the loneliest. And the cruelest. I couldn't remember exactly what and who made it that way. All I know is that I've been really hard on myself during that time where I sulked and whined about the sorry state of romance I was under for the better part of the year.

If you have read me for the past 2 years, then you must be no stranger to the cycle of my failed venture into relationships. DB meets boy. Boy shows interest for DB. DB falls for boy. Boy leaves DB. And DB is left alone more desolate than ever. But now I have no qualms about it anymore. I even made money out of these miseries although I must admit, it was never easy getting over it. 

At first I thought I couldn't get over those persons I fell for. And then I thought I couldn't forgive them for not loving me. Until I realized it was me I could not forgive.

I did not notice how I started to grow cold for my own self. Gone are my self worth. The strut turned slouches and the once mighty head high bowed flat low. Depression became my fixation. Instead of pulling away or even attempting to grow numb, I made sure to scratch the pain even more that I will bleed and have something to moan about again. 

But I will not tell you that I'm far from that right now. In fact, I still do scratch some wounds and still feast over solitude at low points. It's normal. Those days are inevitable. But at the risk of sounding cheesier than ever, allow me to say that at the very least I have forgiven myself. I am loving me and for the longest time, I am enjoying me.

Take a look at the picture above. Some would notice that I walk alone in the midst of towering mountains and the wide open sea. That's what I always noticed then. Little did I know I was walking in a paradise other people could only dream of. 

When you stop chasing for the wrong things, you give right things a chance to catch you. I may not have that fairy tale ending like most of you do, but still, I'd like to believe that I am a love story. Not happy. Not sad. Just a love story.



 

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