It was probably my first birthday celebration that I fell sick. But as always in my life, the show must go on. I still went to work, managed to feed colleagues, meet friends and made that birthday surprise for my mother a success. The only thing that was cancelled's our supposed family trip last Sunday as I was high on fever the night before.
Days before my birthday I was having the usual "pre-birthday crisis." Again with that contemplation on life, relationships and the realisation of my youth slowly drifting away. I wanted to resign from work, give-up on a childhood dream and go for that job that will allow me to buy pleasures I never had. I thought of entering the seminary. I thought of applying for scholarship abroad. I thought of drowning myself. I thought of killing someone. Basically it was all these swirls of thoughts nagging, banging like tribal drums in my head in a deafening crescendo.
The show must go on. I survived that crisis with remnants of those thoughts still knocking fervently from time to time. And now I'm writing this in between sneezes. But in grand tradition of birthdays, I try to write something significant. Something that could be a record for that day when the mind would forget, too tired to remember the old days.
Yes, there is a feel to ramble about stuff. Like why politicians are corrupt? Why Manila is overflowing with trash? Or why Filipinos are so undisciplined? Why am I gay? Why can't I have super powers?
Maybe I should focus on the simpler ones. Like why at 26 I have more questions than answers? Why am I still that same irresponsible kid who can't even make his own bed?
I was born during the Summer Solstice. When the day is longer and the sun in its most glorius flight. I am a son of the Sun. In cold I am weak. And that is the reason why I'm sick right now. The changing weather, the cold at night and the torrential rain punctured through my depths.
This is not how I imagined I will be at this age. Or in a smaller scale, I didn't imagine I will have my birthday this year like this I imagined a happier me, physically better and most of all, financially well. I still don't have abs, and I still get money from my parents. I'm always almost broke and as you're already aware of, I'm still the same single [virgin] boy the first day we met. The country is still drifting in a sea of blood, people are clueless and are still slaves to superficiality and illussions.
The show must go on. And it was probably the hardest lessons I had to learn. That there are no intermissions in between acts. That life will not stop when you're sick or when you're nursing a heartache or when you're celebrating your birthday. Close your eyes for a second and the next thing you'll know, the world has already left you. Yesterday I was young but now...I don't know.
The moment I get well I plan on bathing under the rain. The son of Sun will walk under the rain like the Moon threading the Earth. There is little in my understanding of the show but there remains worlds to conquer and I promise, in the coming days, I'll learn to make my bed and maybe work some more and see about that singlehood I used to rumble about.