Sunday, April 14, 2013

Depression (Part 1)

For the past years that I've been writing here, I must have written the most shallow egocentric disgusting drama-filled declamations of self-pity. But believe me or not, even if you wouldn't find me a dramatic entity in person, this is the reality of how my mind works. Or at least a part of it.

When I'm happy, I'm very happy that it really shows. You could see it down from my steps to the last piece of accessory I put on my clothes. Loneliness is a different thing for it has been a constant companion, someone I seek myself from time to time. While it is something that could drag me down at some degree, it has a certain force that I can contain and sometimes that certain quality of loneliness fuels me to manifest this special person in me who even I find it hard to believe that I have somewhere in this monstrous existence of mine.

Happy is a rare thing in my writing. Loneliness, on the other hand is so much easier, I feel like I know it so well like the back of my hand. Yet on the far landscape of the things I write, there is that quiet little voice which I dread, so formidable even thinking the words to summon sends me in deep thoughts of darkness and void. We'll call it Depression.

I think I mentioned a few times or maybe I did devote an entire post discussing my Depression, I couldn't remember, but if ever I think I did it only in passing. So I was surprised to read from the e-mail address of this blog these small comments, even short messages sent by unknown people, relaying how thankful they are because they can relate to my writings dealing with Depression. (Or maybe they view this entire blog as something depressive? I hope not.)

This is a very touchy subject to me because I realized from that how important the words we share even in a lowly blog like this. Second is because the subject of Depression is something that is very vague, and as I've said, so huge that describing, making a picture of how and what it is is almost an impossible task.

For the past 25 years of my life, there was this one instance which is very vivid and I consider the lowest that I've sank out of Depression. It was New Year's Eve, give or take seven years ago, and the feeling was just too much for me to bear that I actually went catatonic. I couldn't move, eat or do anything. Breathing was really hard and all kind of thoughts were just swirling in my head like an endless reruns of some bad Hollywood movie.

If you've seen Lars von Trier's "Melancholia" you'll get a picture of what I'm saying. But if you'll ask what triggered it, I'm afraid I couldn't tell you anymore. All I can say is that a week before that, a heartbreaking scene took place. At first it was fine and everything was easily going back to normal but then all of a sudden it went downhill and Hell just dawned on me.

But thank God for this supportive family that I have, I didn't have to resort to medication unlike a friend and a former office mate of mine. She lost her job because of this massive Depression she suffered from. She tried talking to everyone about it, including me, but she failed connecting to people including her family, closest friends and Protestant pastors.

From the string of people she talked to, I was probably the only one who didn't find it weird, or laughed, or had this oh-my-god-she's-freakin-crazy kind of thought, with the kind of images she shared. To give you an idea, objectively or in a non-depressive perspective, it was something on the verge of Evil. And that's where I thought, Depression is serious and must be addressed carefully and immediately not only for its victims but even for the ordinary people blessed not have it but with risk of dealing with people who have it.

It was hard enough being depressive; being tagged as crazy is another thing. We do not need pity, or tolerance, or even understanding because even us ourselves find it hard to understand ourselves. What depressive people need is care.

To be continued...

 [This is an unedited work]

4 reaction(s):

Nate said...


Mac Callister said...

Sana di ka na ulit madepress. U should avoid it, have some people to talk to :-)

Ester Yaje said...

what i want about this post is you've realized that loneliness or depression is a part of us. i mean, it's brave of yours to accept such. seriously! :))

KikomaxXx said...

tol pwede avoid thingking nalang.. hehehe.. the more you think the more you get depressed.. hehehe


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