Wednesday, August 22, 2012

When a renegade prays

Dance like no one is watching you. Love like you've never been hurt before. Self portrait. circa 2011

Recently, I was asked by a very close friend if I’m praying for “the one” to finally “step forward” and finally “enter my life.” By the slight twitch in his mouth, I understand immediately we are to talk about my seemingly endless singlehood. Yet again. Of course, he was asking if I’m pleading to the heavens above for a partner to come. In all honesty, I answered a plain no.

Edward, my friend, said that maybe I should start praying for it. Sensing a topic to argue about, I retaliated and said I don’t think it’s a proper thing to ask God. I mean, how would a gay man like myself pray for a boyfriend to come, right? I added that whenever I pray, it is mostly that I try listen to God than me dictating what I want. Edward then said what I’m doing is not entirely wrong.

“My rabii told me that God, as our Father, wants to hear us telling Him the things we want despite knowing them already,” he said. “He wants you to open up to Him. And asking for that person who will make you happy, to be honest, is something you shouldn’t be ashamed off to ask from God.”

I smiled. It was almost the same thing my favorite priest, Fr. Nick, said in one of his sermons at the Cathedral. “Talk to Him,” he said. “Talk to Him the same way you would talk to your friends about the greatest desires of your heart. Your ambitions, the things that bother you, your pains, He wants to hear them straight from you. You are His child.”

In one of Kuya Joms’ blog entries before he left the “single men’s club,” he recounted how he would light a candle in a church, praying for that unknown special person that lies in the same unknown future. Praying not only for him to finally arrive, but for his safety and well-being. And then one day, JC arrives at his door.

Years ago, I thought my JC finally arrived. He left though for he couldn’t love me the way I wanted him. He went and chose the handsome Viscounts leaving a heavily scarred Phantom as myself. As I make my way then in the altar of Quiapo Church, dragging my knees in the cold granite aisle, I swore an oath to God that I will never ever ask for a JC anymore.

I am a renegade of love. Not that I don’t believe in it. I just left its battlefield. It’s a fight where I lost too many a times. And why not? It’s the noble thing to do for the defeated. After all, the winner takes it all, yes?

But even for the most wounded ones, sometimes, at times when you least expect it, hope would come knocking down your walls. Sometimes you get very lonely and would realize how tragically, no one stood up for you. That nobody fought for you, or at the very least, realize your best intentions. When lovers parade in front of you, you smile because you feel their happiness. But then you bleed inside. Because by then, you feel your loneliness. Sometimes you get very lonely. This is one of those.

I don’t want to pray for it. But not because I’m ashamed of God, or that I don’t know how to tell Him my desires, or tell Him “Lord malungkot na ‘ko at pagod na rin ako.”  It’s just that I’m afraid even God would answer me “no.”

But in case that He changes His mind, I hope He’ll heed my call. That finally, He will give me the one for me I’ve waited for so long. I pray it’s soon.  

My apologies for dragging Kuya Joms and JC's name in this whole literally farce (or to be honest, a sugar coated rant to God)

10 reaction(s):

Anonymous said...

hehe some find it quite desperate already when they're praying for something. Ako, I find it cute and just right.

Sabi nga nila, it's hard to find love in a hopeless place. Pero when someone prays for something, it is when you start looking for it in the right places.

And why not ask for it? Kaya nga God was first described as "Father." Pwede pa nmn nya sabihin Yes, No, or later. So keri lng mag ask. And don't think just b'coz u're gay na it means you've got less rights to ask Him.:D

Guyrony said...

Ah Desole Boy, didn't you made a post about a letter dedicated to that boy?

That boy who still needs to be found by you.

RoNRoNTuRoN said...

awwwww, this is sad, I feel you... I've been there once. It must be hard.

If you wouldnt want to pray for it, I'll do. I want everyone to be happy, you too.

He'll come at the right time. And you'll be surprised. :D

♔ıǝɹɯɐı♔ said...

A very honest post. I too pray for that someone to finally come, but reading your posts, plus the many disappointments I had, made me realize that now isn't the right time. It's very ironic, to ask God for it, because of faith, religion and all. But I know that God will provide us with the best for all of us. We may not see what's best now, it may be that thing that we are looking for, but someday, somehow, that thing, that person will come, and it shall be the greatest love story we will ever have-even surpassing that crappy Romeo and Juliet crap (sorry fans, LOL).

hard.ass.kisser said...

I think it is through action that God guides us to find what we are looking for. Example - You should try to meet more friends and friends of friends, so serendipity allows itself to reveal your long awaited partner. I wish you good luck. And gasgas man ang linyang ito. Makakahanap ka rin ng taong magmamahal sayo. Maniwala ka lang, magdasal, maghanda, at gumawa. :D

red the mod said...

I think the divine rarely rarely intervenes in physical form. It is neither an outright no or yes, but rather subtler. Opportunities, or twists of fate are His methods, that when one listens well can observe the threads of the Plan. The present is pregnant with potential. This is a mere test of faith.

I'm glad you have not lost hope. Serendipity comes clandestinely. You'll see. When you least expect it, that's when syzygy occultates. But remember too, that one is never entirely alone. You are blessed to have a multitude of friends, and the opportunity for frequent travel. While awaiting his beckon, focus on good things going for you at the moment.

There is salvation in patience, and wisdom in perseverance.

Désolé Boy said...

Anonymous - First, who are you? Haha. Seriously, I hope you introduce yourself. Anyway, I've been gone looking for all places. No sign of him. I hope it is him who will come to me.
Guyrony - I did. I have the link below under "Author's pick." Kaya lang parang hindi pa nakakarating sa kaniya eh. I hope he reads it so he'll know I've been waiting for him for a long time already.
Ron - Thank you. As I've said on Twitter, I am very touched by your gesture. When you pray for other people, especially the less fortunate than you, is a mark of a good person.
iamrei - I'm glad you noticed. No pretensions here. No hiding on huge words. I've written it in pure expression of how I feel. You know, it's one of those times when I'm being attacked by depression. Thank you.
Hard Ass Kisser - Your thoughts put a smile on me. I have limited access to friends. But yeah, I wish I could go out more. I mean, I would go out on weekends but not the scene where you could have the princess-meets-prince-charming-sequence. Hehe. I will pray for it. Thanks.
Red - I realised that especially. The downpour of support from friends whenever I have these attacks, their concern is just amazing. I don't even think I'm worthy. And yet one still has to crave for that "one." I wish God could just tell me blatantly if it is a yes or a no. For if it is a yes, I'll willingly wait like the past 25 years. If no, I admit it would be hard but at the very least, I can start packing my things, move on to other areas and focus there more with a thought that maybe, hopefully, life would be kinder.

T.R.Aurelius said...

Good things happen to those who wait... have faith on that :)

Anonymous said...

exhumed_angel: don't find it.. let it find you... as i've said in twitter, it'll just come unexpectedly... for the meantime, enjoy singlehood... you're still young... never rush things...mas masarap namnamin ang isang prutas kung ito ay saktong nahinog -- parang lovelife din yan... by the way, nice entry!;>

Archieviner said...

Stay in power. Darating din yan. I feel u :)BTw i just followed ur blog :0


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