Monday, August 6, 2012


"I wish I could tie you up in my shoes make you feel unpretty, too." 
Self portrait. (Note: DB has coulrophobia) 

I wasn’t always aware that I am no good looking. Growing up, I noticed how people would hail my older cousin, my kuya who’s a year older than me, and people would end up saying he’s “gwapo.” I was very jealous of him. I wanted to be called “gwapo” as well. But no matter what I do, no matter how I rubbed those cottons dipped in facial cleansers, no matter how many of those over-the-counter night creams I put on my garish face at that young age, still, nobody bothered calling me “gwapo.”

Unlike my cousin and the many other good looking guys that you’ll spot nowadays gracing divine ledges among countless bars, I don’t have the necessary qualities to pass one. For one, I am not a mestizo. My skin is burned brown; a combination of genetics and early prowling under the glaring high noon sun. You see, when I was a kid, I was part of a marching band that played music on fiestas, parades and the likes. Naturally, the heat of those afternoons didn’t fare well with my young skin.

My eyes aren’t anywhere near dazzling. They’re black; the other one slightly disproportionate to the other with dark circles around due to lack of decent sleep. I don’t have those red tempting lips, or a sparkling teeth or an inviting face. During the height of my puberty, I was cursed by those nasty pimples; the ghosts of them remaining visible to present. Also, I only stand 5’7, with a short torso and a slightly problematic belly.

God knows how hard I prayed. I thought if I please Him well, talked Him into making me good looking, I’ll have my one great wish come true. That I would wake up one day, look straight in the mirror and find a face that would command the world. But after twenty five years, God still is not merciful enough to grant me that prayer.

It’s unfair how the world conspires for the good looking ones. Imagine the rejection you get just because you don’t have a face of a god. Imagine being ignored. Imagine the disappointment after seeing what lies behind your mask. Countless, people will come and tell me I’m ugly. Now tell me how beauty becomes skin deep?

I tried being the best with those areas I’m good at. There’s music, dancing, acting, speech, making friends, arrogance. Some would even say I have my own charm. But it’s never enough and truth is, they will never be in this world slave to physical traits and worships the pre-determined call of beauty.

No matter how honest your intentions, no matter how good your insides, people couldn’t care. Have you experienced bargaining for love? I did. Wasn’t the worst moment of my life but standing there, giving out all the cards you got yet still not being enough, you just want to die. Why live in a world where you couldn’t be loved for how you look? Tell me, is this what God meant when He said He created me in His own image? That I’m special?

There is this song sung by the world’s most famous frog, Kermit, and it’s called “Bein’ Green.” It goes like this:

It’s not that easy being green
Having to spend each day the color of the leaves
When I think it could be nicer being red, or yellow or gold
Or something much more colorful like that
It’s not that easy being green
It seems you blend in with so many other ordinary things
And people tend to pass you over ‘cause you’re
Not standing our like flashy sparkles in the water
Or stars in the sky

It’s not easy being ugly, or unpretty, or fugly – whatever the mean boys and girls of this society call us nowadays. But at some point, I accepted the fact that I could never pass as “gwapo.” I’ll never be good looking for this world.

And so I’ve learned to shun myself away from time to time; away from people who can’t accept me. I went with the vagabonds, the scavengers, thieves. Those people you see every day, but ignored, forgotten by a world obsessed with sparkles and gems. To them, it don’t matter how I look, if I have the right haircut or the right proportion of nose to my face. That’s why I fight with them. That’s why sometimes I disappear from the universe. To talk to them, to be with them and share that neglect this world cursed us with.

With that I find my worth, I find my beauty amidst all ugliness and harshness. I no longer want to be beautiful, good looking or “gwapo.” I think I’m going to be just fine even most of you are not. I know and now I am aware I am not "gwapo" and that I will never be. But like what the song says, even if the world will never agree, I think it's beautiful enough, and this is what I want to be. 

But green’s the color of Spring
And green can be cool and friendly-like
And green can be big like an ocean, or important
Like a mountain, or tall like a tree
When green is all there is to be
It could make you wonder why, but why wonder why
Wonder, I am green and it’ll do fine, it’s beautiful
And I think it’s what I want to be. 

Désolé Boy, en route to Laguna, 01 July 2012

26 reaction(s):

Mac Callister said...

Para sa kin ikaw pa din pinaka cute! Hehehe


urgwapo in ur own way! kudos sa ating mga gwapo hheheheh

Gian said...

every knife has a sharp end. people can see clearly what's yours for a reason, babe.

Mugen said...

I got around my own failings because of levelling. And because I always thought that more than looks, my best assets lie within my inner nature. :)

You are very presentable and that's all that matters. :)

Guyrony said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Guyrony said...

Desoloe Boy, you know we aren't made equal.

But we all have special qualities in which we can be proud of.

Superficiality aside.

Désolé Boy said...

Mac - You never fail to make me laugh. Thanks.
Kulapitot - Salamat pare. Visited your blog and followed you.
Gian - Thank you babe. And I see yours.
Kuya Joms - Such kind words. You know those ordeal I've been to.
G - Indeed I know. I just I wish I could do more. Better looks would be of much help with the way I want to do things, but I already learn to content myself, so there. ;)

-mark- said...

asus, nagdadrama.. hahaha.. you know nung bata ako at kahit nung college na, i hate my face, madami akong pimples, hindi ako gwapo, maitim ako. hinayaan ko lang, pero pinangako ko sa sarili ko na popogi ako at lahat ng nangalipusta sakin, papanget, hahahaha. ngaun madami nagsasabi ang cute ko daw, kahit hindi, masaya na ko, nagevolve parang pokemon.. lahat naman tayo me iba-ibang definition ng kagwapuhan.. just be yourself at maging positive, pogi ka na.. ;)

Anonymous said...

it's funny that you lament how people put you down with your physical attribute when you also put down other people about their physical attribute in Twitter:

"Sorry tlga. Can't get over kuya's katabaan. Naaamaze ako na naaawa. Yung laki ng tyan nya, tipong di na nya cguro nakikita etits nya."

"Excuse sa mga overweight,pro kung choice nyo na lumamon hanggang gs2 nyo right nmn namin ang hindi masiksik sa public transpo."

"Hongtobo ng katabi ko sa bus. As in dlawang ako ang katumbas. Scary! Hope I'll make it alive to Bulacan."

Maybe you are ugly but not physicaly...

Lone wolf Milch said...

One of my favorite song is Christina Aguilera's BEAUTIFUL

Because we are all beautiful no matter what they say, words cant bring us down

Hwag mo na pansinin yung sinasabi ng ibang tao kasi kung concious ka sa mga sinasabi nila eh, never ka magiging happy at lagi ka lang maiinsecure sa sarili mo

Sometimes whats inside is more important than the outside

Kasi masmatatandaan ka ng tao kung naging mabuti ang iyong kalooban kesa sa physical appearance

Marami ding mga tao na di kagwapohan or kagandahan pero successful sila at maraming silang naachieve sa buhay, kaya andun ang paghanga at respeto ng tao sa kanila.

The most important thing is to be confidence

Désolé Boy said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Désolé Boy said...

Mark - I know. Haha. Isa ka pa. You never fail to overturn an emotional one into something light and funny.
Anonymous - :p
Lone - I know. It's just a recollection. But your words are kind. As a clear example this coward anonymous above, let's not waste our time and energy with them. Thanks ;)

Nate said...

@db: yaan mo na sila, lil bro..

i remember Leo's comment sa blog post ko: "beauty withers, but character stays.."


Désolé Boy said...

Kuya Nate - So may nauna ka na palang ganitong post? Hehe. I've written this on my way to Laguna. Remember when we met before White Party? I was so haggard then and even you agreed. And then seeing all those "beautiful people" prowling the streets and bars within Malate, I felt insecure. I felt kinda out of place. That's why I was extra-rowdy that night. I was so keen to mask that insecurity. But the feeling remained days after despite the euphoria and so I ended up with this write-up. If you must know, I went to skin clinic the following week, bought new clothes etc. Gosh, I'm divulging the back story already. Hmpf. That's bad.
Anyway, I'm not throwing any pity party, so don't worry. It was sooooo over.

Hustin said...

Kuya Nate? Ilang taon ka na ba Nate? hehe

Naaalala ko yung mashu-up ng Glee ng Unpretty/Pretty.

Sa mga araw na ganyan feeling ko, nanay ko agad pupuntahan ko.
"Ma, i feel so ugly."
"Nak, sino may sabi? Sakin ka kaya nanggaling! Pogi-pogi mo kaya." "Thanks, Ma"
I just be with people who appreciates my true beauty. I thank you. *wave*

shenanigans said...

i can so relate to this yan din ang pinagdadaanan ko ngayon..

hindi ko alam kung anung sasabihin ko to make you feel better. ayoko magsabi ng mga cliches like beauty is in the eye of the beholder or ang tunay na kagandahan ay nakikita sa kalooban ng tao and so on and so forth. in reality, di naman totoo yan eh kasi kahit anung isip mo sa mga yan walang gumagawa kung meron man very rare lang.

Pero eto lang masasabi ko DB para sa mga katulad nating hindi masyadong pinagpala... hindi natin kailangang gumawa ng mga bagay bagay para lang maging fit at ma accept tayo sa society.

Always remember what mother monster told us

"Whether life's disabilities left you outcast, bullied or teased rejoice and love yourself today cause baby you were born this way"

the green breaker said...

I go with G.

I know a lot of gwapo and pretty faces with the downside of being bobo. Personally, I wouldn't want to compromise that one. On a scientific note, beauty can be bought nowadays. (I'm saying this in the context of being beautiful versus the world of judgmental ppl) pero I don't think you are what you say, kahit di pa kita nakikita. Hehe.

Then back to the bobo thing. Naaawa ako sa kanila. Yung tipong frustrate na frustrate ka na trying to make your point. No beauty can ever compensate for that, tandaan mo yan. :)

Nate said...

@hustin: hahaha.. i''m turning 27.. :p i know.. i'm ancient.. :p

@db: may backstory pala.. :( *hugs* anyway, ayan... ambabaet ng mga kapatid natin dba? wagas maka-comment!

and i'm glad your pity party is over... :)

♔ıǝɹɯɐı♔ said...

Still, beauty fades. Wit is immortal.

T.R.Aurelius said...

God made you special, always keep that in mind.. ur cousin may have the good looks, but you have something else far better than a pretty face


Karlie Bradshaw said...

I read your posts regularly... and so far I see a beautiful soul from all of it. :) And don't go to Malate anymore... It is a venue where all the plastics (of Mean Girls’ caliber) converge, only they come in tight muscle-shirts and designer jeans. hehe

Karlie Bradshaw said...

27 is not ancient @nate... 27 is a perfect gay age. hihi all the great stuff happened to me when i was 27. ;) so relax lang kayo mga beki... you're at the right age to be gay! :) wait 'til you get past 30... you'll see! considered it as a warning! haha joke lang

dating soltero said...

tagal ko di napadaan, tapos emo pa tong post mo ahhahaha..

asus! :P

Désolé Boy said...

Hustin - Spoken like a true beauty. Haha.
Joe - Who knows, I could be the "panget" plus "bobo" type. And I am what I say. You'll see one day.
Kuya Nate - Hustin wasn't aware pala of us siblings. Hehe.
Shen - Paws up!
iamrei - May we all able to live with that :)
Theo - Wow, coming from you. I really appreciate it. Thank you my friend.
Karlie Bradshaw - Aww. You don't know how much your words mean to me.Thank you. You're very kind
The Former Soltero - Kuyaaaaaaaa!!!!!! Namiss kita promise. Dalasan mo naman ang dalaw. Wala na ba yung e-mail mo? I want to know how you've been. E-mail mo ko if you can, please. I want to know your story:

LJ said...

I read this in the office while the monsoon is drenching manila.

we have the same problem. I guess both of us have been through the same harsh things over and over again.

But I learned a lot from this. Thank you for making things better. :D

Jjampong said...

And I quote

"People often say that 'beauty is in the eye of the beholder,' and I say that the most liberating thing about beauty is realizing that you are the beholder. This empowers us to find beauty in places where others have not dared to look, including inside ourselves."


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