Monday, August 27, 2012

So you think you can love me and leave me to die

"So free we seem, so fettered fast we are." Self portrait. Puerto Galera, Summer of 2012

In the middle of the battle of political words, artsy collects, sugar-coated rants, spite and nonsensical stuff flooding my Facebook timeline, I found a gem of words that made me contemplate real hard and I thought it is genuinely worth sharing. So allow me to share it although I will paraphrase. And yes, the idea is entirely not mine and this is not in any way an attempt to plagiarize:

Once there was a well-known speaker who started his talk by holding up a $20.00 bill and asked “who would like this $20 bill?” Hands started going up. He then said, “I’m going to give this $20 to one of you but first, let me do this.” And he proceeded to crumple up the bill and spoke once more. “Who still wants it?” Still, hands were up in the air. The speaker then replied, “what if I do this?” And he dropped it on the ground and started to grind it into the floor with his shoe. He picked it up, now crumpled and dirty. “Now who still wants it?”  Still, hands went into the air. “My friends,” the speaker said. “We learned a very valuable lesson. No matter what I did to the money, you still wanted it because it did not decrease in value. It was still worth $20. Many times in our lives, we are dropped, crumpled and ground into the dirt by the decisions we make and the circumstances that come our way. We may feel as though we are worthless. But no matter what has happened or what will happen, you will never lose your value. Dirty or clean, crumpled or finely creased, you are still priceless.

The past days have been quiet agony for me. I was suffering from depression attacks in the least conducive timing of all. Although to be honest, I think there could never be a fitting time to feel severe depression, but everything that happened the past three to four days required me to be in my sanest form. And yet I wasn’t.

I wish I could explain how and why. But I could only apologize to people who became wary, insulted maybe, or I hope, misunderstood, my behavior.

Depression could be anything. One triggering factor and it would come down rushing like an avalanche. One of the creeping thought during this time is the feeling of worthlessness. It is an effect of recollections of dejections, mostly failures that came like ghouls tearing your flesh for supper.

I’m glad to say I’m better now. And what perfect timing for I will be celebrating my second year of feat against death this September 8. Two years ago, I almost died of dengue fever. But after days of terrible hospitalization, exactly the day of the Holy Mother’s birthday, I was miraculously saved.

Often times I would forget this. Often times I would feel my life is so insignificant especially for those who rejected me countless times. But then, days of reckoning would also pop out of nowhere like my depression and I would feel well and realize it did not and will not matter if my heart is broken into million pieces, or I’m beaten up and would fall on my knees like always. That for as long as I have my hands to extend for others, I will be just fine and there I’ll have my worth.

I remember this poem I’ve written almost two years ago and for some of you who have remained with me, it would sound very familiar. It goes like this:

I survived the war but I did not win the battle
The guns no longer in anger, the canons now tamed
The air is silent, the deceased scattered
Look! A mighty soul standing.
He is not alone.

I’ve been to many battles since the day I wrote this and often times I found myself on the losing side. Curiously, the former Great Soltero replied to this post back in 2010 and asked, “isn’t surviving winning in itself already?” Indeed, he was right. And to add to that, I learned that it doesn’t matter losing or winning, what matters is how you fought your battles and how willing you are to take the next leap onto the next ones. 

To freedom! 

So you think you can stop me and spit in my eye from Freddie Mercury's Bohemian Rhapsody 

Désolé Boy | Year 1, Seq 1
Désolé Boy - Indeed | Year 1, Seq 2
Désolé Boy - Nothing really matters | Year 1, Seq 3
Désolé Boy - Anywhere the wind blows | Year 2, Seq 4
Désolé Boy - We beheld the stars once again | Year 2, Seq 5
Désolé Boy - No escape from reality | Year 2, Seq 6
Désolé Boy - I just gotta get out of this prison cell | Year 3, Seq 7
Désolé Boy - So you think you can stop me and spit in my eye | Year 3, Seq 8

8 reaction(s):

Karlie Bradshaw said...

I feel you, brother! Thanks for sharing these inspiring thoughts. I also need that nowadays. The hardest part is getting it together when we're barely holding on. But there's always a small voice inside telling us to get a grip. Brave it all until it gets better. And it thus gets better.

Nate said...


nag-worry ako sa 'yo..

your battle is tough one to fight.. surround yourself with people who understand.. it's the best way to get through it.. :)

it's good to know you're now feeling better! *hugs*

Ester Yaje said...

this one applies to me so good as of the moment. depressions and hardships do lead us to the feeling of trying to get up. but yeah, that Soltero was right. to freedom. for the win!

Yas Jayson said...

Dear DB,

Whenever I read you, the thought of dying to one's self always comes to mind. Whenever I read you, the thought of denial and redemption pops up. I begin to ask, why in this inconsolable soul's blog?

Then I read this, this piece. Now I know the reason why.

Let me share you something. When Elijah fled to the mountains to avoid capital punishment, he hid from God. But God was always there, ready to manifest himself in ways Elijah would understand. There came fire, earthquake and strong wind. God was not in the fire, nor in the earthquake, nor in the strong wind. After all these grand things, he heard a tiny whispering wind. Citing that, I observed that however big your sadness is, it is those tiny moments you blog about that bring you back to your sanity, ultimately bringing you back to God. It is those tiny moments that God meets you.

You have been battling too many battles. You are priceless no matter how many times you have been dropped, crumpled and ground into the dirt by the decisions you make and the circumstances that come your way. God never leaves his precious ones. God never leaves you.

To freedom, truth, justice and love.


T.R.Aurelius said...

I understand how are you feeling these days, lately kase parang gloomy yung mga status mo sa twitter...anyways..... in times like this. it's not wrong to have a friend to talk to, well. I guess I am friend whom you can talk to, during times like this...well to tell you honestly, depressed din ako nuon, saktong birthday ko pa,


I'll be willing to listen if in case na kailangan mo ng kausap :)

Anonymous said...

Courage my friend!!!There are times like those depression attacks and it depends really on how we fight back. Faith in God helps. It makes us strong and makes us feel that we are still worthy. When we are still children, we go to our mothers when we are sad and everything will be alrigth. What I do nowadays that my mother is gone, I go to Mary, the mother of Jesus. It really helps to know and feel that she can be a mother to me. I go to Baclaran too and seeing those people who go on with their lives in spite of their many problems, i feel blessed. Take care always !!!

dario the jagged little egg said...

I can relate bro. Thank you for sharing this post.

Mac Callister said...

I love that photo! Ang sexy! Haha

Kaya pala di mo ko pinapansin sa BBM recently hmmmp!

Im glad ok ka na, and i miss soltero :-)

You know what, nagka dengue din ako, glad i have cousins (nurses and doctor)na tumulong s akin at sa bahay lang ako chineck up and na IV-han. Haha. Ang hirap ng may dengue shetness!


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