Thursday, June 21, 2012

More than one more day (Happy Birthday Désolé Boy)

I'm here. You're safe. 

According to Joan Didion, this is a line from a movie, Richard Loster’s “Robin and Marian.” “I love you more than even one more day,” Audrey Hepburn as Maid Marian says to Sean Connery as Robin Hood after she has given them both the fatal potion. The line has become Joan Didion’s family shorthand.

Today, this is what I’d like to tell myself now that I’m turning twenty five.

I don’t know exactly what turning twenty five means. Simply imagining already scares me. To follow the seasons I’ve weathered, to walk through the same courses where I found myself lost too many a times, I fear of a collapse; of the day I’d triumph no more over life’s punitive scoundrels. That I already lost the necessary resilience. But I realized we wouldn’t pass through again the same way exactly. We could only hope for the best. Or assume the worst so that any improvement will seem better.

When Alice cried and cried before she turned miniscule once more, she thought she had somehow fallen into the sea. Soon she realized she was in the pool of tears she had wept when she was nine feet high. And then she blurted” I wish I hadn’t cried so much. I shall be punished for it now, I suppose, by being drowned in my own tears.”

More than one more day. I wished the same as Alice. I wished I hadn’t cried much then. And I wish I wouldn’t cry that much anymore now that I’m twenty five, but looking back, remembering how I swam through those wild courses of my own tears, is like remembering those afternoons of my life watching the golden streams of the mellow sun pass through our capiz windows while I lay down beside my lolo. It’s one of the fondest of my recollections and will forever remind me of my limitations at the same time my strengths.

A friend recently told me, unlike what many perceived me nowadays, that have not really fallen into the casual pit of cynicism. That despite the hard shell I try in might everyday to project, I’m still the same romantic, mischievous and naïve kid that I always am.

I don’t think I’m jaded or a cynic. It’s just that when you’re twenty five and witnessed countless unspeakable evils, you deny the claim that good is something innate to every human. The emperor has no clothes; heads would roll at the command of the Red Queen; and Dante is nowhere near the portal that would transport him to Paradise. But such shouldn't stop us from hoping, for believing.

I believe in small things. I believe in Keanu. I believe he'll live the day he'll become a doctor, free from the binds of sickness. I believe in Lola Tina. I believe she's no fool for deciding to offer her entire life to serve a family who would later abandon her in a house for the elderly. I believe in Tatay Javier. I believe in him despite his daughters telling me he's not good enough of a father.

More than one more day. The borderless grief, the excruciating pains I came to meet spiraled into wisps of smoke with the tales of the likes of these people. I don’t know what life would’ve been without them. I realized their life went on and would continue to go on even without me, but truth is I can no longer live without them.

The twenty five years of my existence is about them more than me. I can profess my faith in the future because of them. These people who reminded me during my darkest hours the need to stand your ground, to continue imagining and bringing life to my own self even when all the reason seem to have escaped. It is my selfish wish to be with them again, to touch them more and to be able to meet more of them. That I am hoping for for another twenty five years of my life.

This is what people can learn from the past twenty five years of my life. More than one more day, allow yourself to live. Life changes drastically and would carry on with or without you onboard. Stay grounded. Believe in small things. The world will never conspire for you and for others like it goes for the lucky. So if not, conspire for yourself and for those whom life was never fair. Not because you’re good. Not because we’re good. But simply because we can.

“I love you more than even one more day.” Now that I am twenty five, allow me to say these repeatedly to myself. “I love you more than even one more day.” More than with or without prince charming. More than with or without the right tenses of verb. Hippie or not. With a 28 inches waistline or the former 32. To the many bastards we are to meet. To dragons we are to slay. And to kingdoms we are to conquer. “I love you more than even one more day.”

11 reaction(s):

Diwang Bughaw said...

Happy Birthday!

Mark Joe said...

Habertdey idol!

toiletdrama said...

Happy Birthday! May love and goodness be on your side always!

Karlie Bradshaw said...

Happy birthday Desole Boy! Can't believe you're only 25. Your thoughts is way ahead of your time. Keep writing. :)

charles. said...

^Must agree with Karlie.

Happy birthday!

Continue to sprinkle my reading list with your wicked literary skills! :)

Bino said...

once again, happy birthday brother :D. you look younger naman than your age :)

claudiopoi said...

that's a lot of insight for a 25-year old. happy birthday, sir and in other news, see you next week! :)

ZaiZai said...

Once again, happy birthday! :)

Btw, I love Robin and Marian and that line is a classic.

Nate said...

@DB: inarte ka!! dame mong alam!! LOL :p (actually, palusot ko lang yun.. na-overwhelm lang ako sa realizations mo sa buhay on your 25th birthday, kaya wala akong masabi..)

Happy birthday, lil bro! :) *hugs*

rudeboy said...

Two colleagues of mine just recently marked their quarter-century of life too, db.

While my magical age was 27, 25 is one of those milestone years. Chronologically, you are well and truly no longer a child, no longer a teen, but a full-fledged adult.

From hereon in, I told your two peers, it would be helpful to mark the progress (or lack thereof) of your life in 5-year increments.

One of those new 25-year-olds was contemplating a career shift: I told him that now is the time to take all his big risks and consequently, make all his big mistakes. While he's young, daring, possibly a little reckless, and more able to bounce back from life's setbacks physically, if not emotionally.

The young, such as yourself, have no fear, which is both your blessing and your curse, the same way introspection and caution is my peers' and mine.

For all your bleeding-heart musings and the angst from all your unresolved personal issues, I think you have a good head on your shoulders. I should like to see how much - or how little - your worldviews will have changed five years from now, when you hit the big 3-Oh.

Happy birthday, and may the year of your quarter-century be full of discoveries.

Désolé Boy said...

Diwang Bughaw - Maraming Salamat :)
Mark Joe - Nanliliit naman ako sa "idol," hehe. Salamat.
Toiletdrama - Thank you. And to you as well, monsieur.
Karlie Bradshaw - And here I thought my thoughts are always childish. Thanks :)
Charles - Isa pa 'to. Nahihiya naman ako. Pero maraming salamat :)


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