Monday, April 16, 2012

Con te partirò

2011, Laiya, Batangas

Last Holy Week, I was visited by a deep depression, so contagious I was shaking madly in two consecutive nights, cold sweats, fat tears oozing endlessly from my swollen eyes. In a distant chapel, I could hear the chanting of Christ’s passion by the elders of our barangay. I counted the hours. The ticking of the bedside clock was deafening. It felt like I was being pressed from everywhere, like I was being pushed inside some rubber tube. And then morning came. 

I left for a vacation, where the sea, sand and sun, I thought, could bring back the life in me. It helped. But the mind is stronger than nature. 

The depression worsened as I unpacked my stuffs when I arrived home. What terrible sadness. Such indescribable plague eating up every fiber of happiness in my body. I cried and cried without knowing why. I cried until I passed out and fall asleep. I stayed in my room with the curtains and windows wrapped around. Like they could protect me from the unknown torture. Like they could embrace me althroughout.

To be honest, there are few things running inside my mind during those torturous times. 

This is how it began.

It was Holy Monday. I was on my way home from work around 12:00 midnight. In a desserted place somewhere in Bulacan, I was inside a tricycle when I saw some obscure figure ahead. A man wearing a scarlet tunic was carrying a huge cross. His face was all covered. A rope was tied on his neck and he was being dragged by another guy in front. My eyes were fixed in the scene. The tricycle passed by them. I didn’t notice that althroughout this, Bjork was singing Human Behaviour from my iPod. My sleepless nights has begun. 

Then followed the jagged images; a series of high contrast scenes in swirling colors. I saw my family dying one by one, my friends, all the people dear to me. There's blood everywhere. One by one, they were lured in a trap of death. I don’t want them to leave. I gasped for breath, throat felt very dry and heart appeared constricted. I was still gasping for air and my head felt like it'll explode anytime soon.

I should die first, I thought. I couldn’t survive the idea of them dying ahead of me. It should be me leaving them. I don’t want them leaving me. I don’t. Or we could die altogether. And then the world will end as we know it, just like in Melancholia. That finally, I'll have peace. All of us. And I could be with them forever. 

During the necrological service for Angelo Castro Jr., it felt different. It was such a sad moment yet there’s a moment of strange peace when I saw people hug each other, exchange stories and dine again together after a long stretch of time. I cried after Mitch Valdez’s talk. I cried after Ma’am Charo thanked the family of ACJ for sharing him with us. But most notably, there was something in June Keithley’s words that afternoon. I found it ironic since more than the people giving eulogy that should somehow offer comfort for her, it was her words, actually, that gave it away. 

After the program, the guests dined together. I left my colleagues and joined Edward, a dear friend since college, in his table. All of a sudden, I heard the choir sing Con Te Partiro. It was a moment of bliss and of memories. I found myself confiding to him of my inexplicable depression. It ended right there and then. 

One day, when this is all over, I shall leave all of you. But I will be with you forever. I will go with you anywhere. We shall depart together. And death will be nothing for us but a mere memory.
"Con te partiró (With you I will leave)" by Francesco Sartori (music) and Lucio Quarantotto (words) 

6 reaction(s):

Nate said...

ambigat sa dibdib.. nkklk.

Mac Callister said...

Mas nakakabuti talaga kapag may nakakausap ka ng mga nasa kalooban natin, gumagaan ang feeling :-)

Hope you'll be ok na lagi deebee :-)

Xian Garvida said...

i can't breathe...

KikomaxXx said...

wow.. tamana-tama ang occasion..

Jerro Santos said...

Depression is also my worst enemy. It's a good thing there's blog. When I don't have someone to talk to, I'd just write. That is enough to make me feel lighter.

Xian Garvida said...

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