Monday, July 4, 2011


“Ano, syotain na kita?!”

Those words continue to reverberate days after he threw them on me. I dated Joey not because I’m specifically looking for something romantic that day and as shameful the intention might sound, truth is I just need a scratching post then. I was in heat and I need some cooling down. Turns out, Joey is a good guy after all. And the "date" ended quite a bit different than I expected.

The "mind-boggling" question came while we were strolling within the grounds of Araneta. It was actually preceded by my answer to his query on how many relationships I have been to which I answered truthfully – I haven’t.

There was no hint of seriousness in his tone. He said those words the way someone would say “tara, kain tayo” or “halika na.” So I just laughed at him after he said them thinking it's just one of his out of nowhere ruminations designed to amuse me. But as I catch a glimpse of him, I noticed he was staring. And there I saw, behind the casualness and spontaneity of his question, somewhere far from them, there’s a faint mark that told me the guy somehow meant it.

How would I describe Joey? He’s not the best looking guy out of the thin line of people I went out with. He has this natural air of what I would like to call “slight-arrogance” which makes me giggle most of the time. He is very spontaneous and opposite his “slight-bad-ass-image,” I’m mortified to find out that he won’t smoke and that he rarely drinks. Both, of course, are few of my registered vices. He's 30 years old and is working in a field totally different than mine or as my friends would put it, "out-of-our-world."

I would be lying if I’d say I don’t like Joey. I like him and the fact that there are lots of things that are not so common between us just make it feels so right.

But the thing is, I'm writing this down because I’m confused and I don’t know what to do. I like being with him and having those nightly telephone conversations with him, but I have to admit that I’m scared. I’m scared to hear those words again from him, but not because I don’t like him but because I feel that such kind of relationship isn’t right for me right now.

I know, I’m silly right? After writing all those blog entries agonizing over the fact that I’m Single-Since-Birth and how everybody treated me like trash, here I am, turning my back from the rice grains running after me. Yes, I fear to hear him say “ano, syotain na kita?” again, but I also fear that those same words won’t come again.

Am I so used to being alone that I finally learned to live my life with it?

They say when you’re unhappy with your life, you become more selfish with it. Am I unhappy? Am I selfish?

This is me once again in perpetual scenario building. This is me afraid of the very same game I got addicted to but had always left me losing - gambling. This is me afraid.

In the same way that when things get rough, confusing and out of grasp, like Selma, let me imagine I'm in some musical production where every problem, every feeling, could be summed up in songs and moving pictures...

Well I've been afraid of changin' coz I built my life around you. But time makes you bolder children get older and I'm getting older too. Well...

and because in a musical, nothing dreadful ever happens.

19 reaction(s):

c - e - i - b - o - h said...

parang gusto kitang kurutin DBoy,, ewan ko lang kung bakit,,

parang kinikilig ako na hindi..

just follow whatever you feel like doing, take risks i guess. it's time.

pwede ko bang sabihin na i feel that subconsciously, you're afraid??

Guyrony said...

Perhaps unhappy and selfish because of fear of starting something...

Nate said...

@DB: i kinda agree with ceiboh.. kilig factor na ewan.. ahahaha! :P anyway, you're not unhappy & selfish.. you just think that.. in fact, you think waaaay too much..

you know when they say thoughts turn to feelings, then feelings to attitude and so on.. well there.. it shows on your "take" on things like the "gamble" of life..

you're afraid of getting hurt.. so bad.. that when someone gets closer, your guard is immediately up.. then you rationalize, by making a list of not-so-good things about the person e.g. "He's not the best looking guy.."

change your thoughts.. and maybe.. just maybe.. your feelings & attitude on things would follow.. but then, again, your happiness comes first..

so, whatever feels right, whatever you "think" is right.. i guess an equilibrium of heart & mind could help you in your decision.. if you'd ask me, i'd say "choose to be happy, DB.. choose to be happy.."

*this is just my two cents.. don't mind me..*

Desperate Houseboy said...

ewan. gusto kong kiligin pero nabibitin in a way. kung san ka masaya ti, suportahan taka.

YOW said...

Ang landiii. Hahahaha.

Leah said...

Wahihi!! Kinilig ako!! Maygash! hehe..

I think yung fear mo, hindi nanggagaling sa kung darating pa yung gma words (syotain na kita?!") or hindi.. I think you're kinda afraid that when that time comes, you'd say YES.


hehe.. Anyway.. hihi.. wala, kinilig na ako. LOL.. Kung saan ka magiging masaya at wala namang maaagrabyado, eh di dun ka. Good luck! :)

Ester said...

bigla akong naloka! ang ayos ng pagkasulat! talagang na feel ko ang intensity at spark! go go go!

Juan der Last said...

From where I'm sitting, I think you should get to know him a bit more before you decide on anything.

I dunno. Lines like that - they sound like they're coming from a player. I'm not saying that he is. He just sounds like one. Hehehe.

And let the kilig moments come. They never hurt anybody. :)

Grey said...

I say date him more DB. Get more confused then decide :P

kalansaycollector said...


haha shet follow your heart.
hay relationship din theme ng blog post ko now. haha

Viktor Saudad said...

is that self-preservation i'm seeing here?

Just go out some more. DATE. you'll soon find out if those were just words of a player, or plea of a hopeful.

Just be cautious.

^travis said...

i can so relate with - "This is me once again in perpetual scenario building."

how about creating a scenario where you decide to give the relationship a chance?

bienvenido_lim said...

Well maybe
Well maybe

engel said...

and therein lies the beauty of the chase. if he is that into you he'll ask again even if you tell him to wait.

you don't have to rush things. get to know each other more. the worst thing you'll get, is you'll have a friend.

citybuoy said...

Loneliness is constant. It's easier to hold on to. Don't be afraid to take risks. What's the worst that could happen? Bago ka naman magbibisikleta, kailangan mo ng training wheels diba? And if it all turns to shit one day, at least you'll have moments like this to look back to. ;p

Kane said...

Désolé Boy, kamusta ka? Been thinking about this.

Maybe you just don't know what you have because you never had it before. And all those hurt and pain from the past has clouded your eyes until it no longer recognizes this beautiful man, standing in front of you, asking you to marry him


You're just not that into him.


ZaiZai said...

just let him know how you feel, at kung gusto ko nya talaga, he'd understand and wait. hope all turns out well! :)

Alter said...

faith and fate. use your hesitations wisely brother. =)

LanchiE said...

o! an embodiment of Adele's Chasing pavements.

I'm trying to recover from this scenario, though I was at the other side of the fence when it happened to me.


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