Sunday, November 7, 2010

Both worlds

There are two major universes and I thought I belong to both of them. Always the challenge for me is keeping my balance. But sometimes, like at this very moment, I have to wonder which world do I really belong to. The Fancy Glamorous All-star Cosmos? Or the Painstaking Reality Check World.

I realised, with my usual exchange of banters around, that very few among my fellow youth are having the same struggle as mine.

While people at my age enjoy hanging around at malls and bars savoring the joys of being young over a cup of coffee or bottles of vodka, I am to be seen at a corner sulking with my newly acquired pair of shoes, beating myself while asking, "do I really deserve this shoes which price could already feed a family living from scraps for an entire month?"

But I love [the shoes]! And they are really beautiful.

Besides, I thought I need them. How would I look like if I walk within the walls of our company where people make a mental note of how much in total you costs for that day starting from your shoes up to your shirt and I am wearing a pair which I bought from the side-streets of Avenida? I thought, I wouldn't survive the humiliation.

Then there's the story of Mang Ambo that I'm working with. Blind and old, he would peddle on the busy streets of Quezon City his Buko Juice hoping to scrape 200 pesos for a day to survive, not his reputation but his very own life.

I also have in my hands those crazy statistics of government's white elephant projects that if only otherwise used for business capitals of our less fortunate citizens, we wouldn't have to hand them a Conditional Cash Transfer which would only feed them for a day and not for a lifetime. Or the fact that the president chose to lessen the subsidy for transportation while adjusting our congressmen's pork barrel to higher digits.

I was politicalized at a very young age. No, it wasn't brought along by my family. It's a birthmark which I don't know if should be considered a gift or a curse.

A gift, probably since I thought I was extraordinary, I was no fool when it comes to macro-political subjects. And a curse, since I am often viewed as peculiar, others won't understand me at all.

I remember Christopher de Leon telling Piolo Pascual in the film Dekada '70, "bata ka pa, 'wag mong pasanin ang problema ng mundo [you're too young the carry the weight of the weight of the world with you].

But was he right? Young or old, don't we all belong to that one single macrocosm?

Oh, how I hate the pretentious high-end lifestyle of the Super Class and the way they seemed to be oblivious to the on-going battle of stomachs and firearms around the world.

But at the same time, I enjoy being in their company. I love rubbing elbows with the famous and celebrities. I love the feeling of being involved. I love being in the limelight.

Then, I would again go back to hating myself. Hating this generation, my very own generation, which are so full of ingrates, liars and egotistical people, which sadly includes me.

Am I really contributing something for this dying country? For this dying world? Or am I just all talk but never the walk? Should I live with the other world then forget the other one to tighten my beliefs? Or maybe continue tip-toeing within the boundaries of these two, hoping to find a way for this two worlds to co-exist?

With these bunch of questions, one thing is sure. The answers would determine what I really want and who I really am. Only then I would know which world I really belong with.

This is a draft of an article am supposed to submit for a newspaper which supports young aspiring writers. Fortunately, I thought the thesis statement isn't good enough and didn't send it at all. So, please allow me to share it here just in case you'll be able to dig down within the dirt and find for yourself what I really wanted to say. 

Thank you for reading. 

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