hold on to your hats, it's not what you're all thinking, haha!
nakwento ko na before yung tungkol kay Francis. the fresh grad nursing guy i've met online, natuloy sa eyeball then went straight to a relationship which i now refer to as "bromance."
away bati kami. magtetext siya today then wala na naman the other day. magtatampo ako susuyuin niya ko. magtatampo siya, susuyuin ko naman siya. now its a becoming a cycle.
at the bottom of all these (away bati), i just realised the very reason lately --sex.
i thought that since i managed to build up a very wholesome relationship with him, although we started off in what you would call a trying-to-hook-up-approach, the sexual 'thingies' would just gradually fade off. apparently, am wrong.
i always wanted a baby brother. am the eldest of two and obviously our youngest is a 'sis.' i always imagine myself being the big kuya, teaching my little bro how to play basketball, playing videogames with him and siyempre turuang pumorma sa mga girls (hey, i knew i few tricks having played the 'girlfriend game' before). in short, to be the male figure i never had.
without planning it or so, the activities we're sharing shaped up like the scenario above. playing basketball, spending hours at Timezone and Tom's World, helping him cope up with his not so latest break-up with a girlfriend. but in addition...i am cautioning him into poking his nose in a world am living in right now -the gay life.
he's very much curious of how things are going between two guys who are into one another. i guess that was the reason of his frequent visits on gay chatrooms, talking and trying to catch someone to get to meet up. i would engage him in a few talks regarding this, but if the sexual banter gets too graphic and worse, involve me and him in a scenario, i would hastily withdraw from the conversation.
action speaks louder than voice, but his is a combination of the two. these past weeks lumalakas ang insinuations niya to have sex with me. like texting me last sunday afternoon he was alone at home. and horny at the same time. or discreetly tickling me inside a jam-packed LRT coach on our way home.
alam niya ang pinagdadaanan ko ngayon regarding my first m2m sex encounter and sasabihan pa niya ko na nandito lang naman daw siya to do the rebound. matatawa lang ako at iibahin na ang usapan. this is what irks him often. especially when i did this monotonous sermon of how he should concentrate on his review classes (he's about to take his board exam this coming july) since i discovered lately na napapadalas ang pag-absent niya.mas dumarami ang mga pangaral ko sa pag-oober da bakod nya from straight neighborhood to homo central.
nalungkot ako. i was not the big kuya anymore. more of the big 'ate.'
i must admit, ayoko sana siyang maging gay, bi or whatever label he would prefer later. but i guess the tawag of kabaklaan is too strong to ignore...i should know.
now i fear his curiosity. being the protective kuya, ayoko siyang masaktan at mapagsamantalahan. young, fragile, carefree and you could say cute, makes him the easy target for those sexual predators out there who would mercilessly abuse him. minsan nga naisip ko, makipag-sex na lang ako sa kanya para na lang hindi na siya kung saan saan pa maghanap. kaya lang alam kong hindi ko na kaya. at hindi na dapat.
i would hate to draw the line between us out of the fear na lumayo siya saken and look for someone who will give him what he wants. kailangan ba talagang mag-set ako ng boundaries and tell those myself to his face? hindi pa ba sapat na pinapakita ko in my actions na i couldn't be more than a kuya to him, least of all a f*ck buddy?
masayang masaya ko pag kasama siya at alam kong ganun din siya. dumarating lang talaga ang problema pag sinusumpong siya ng kabaklaan at libog, hehe. i don't know how far this relationship can go but i would like us to remain like this. me as his kuya and him...my lovely baby brother.
eto siya last week nung tumambay kame sa Tom's World sa Robinson's Galleria