that was three weeks ago.
but as i revisit the same letter today, i realised, nothing's changed. and the more i f*ck around, the more i was haunted by his flashing images. every touch. every kisses planted were like perpetual fires caressing my every insides...teasing.
i understand that we're all 21st century people. pwede mong sabihing corny. or very 2000 and late. pero anong magagawa ko. ito talaga ang nangyari...
I am turning 23 this June, a simple discreet gay guy who used to work for a television network. Despite my age, masasabing virgin pa ko until Thursday last week (May 6) when I met this stranger in a very strange place –the restroom. I wasn’t cruising that time, and I guess neither was he but the sexual tension between us was just so crazy we begun making out inside. Since alam namin na delikado yun, lumabas kame ng c.r., sat in a fast food chain resto and talk about few things. He asked if I want to pursue what we’ve started inside 'the john.' Hindi ako makasagot dahil alam kong delikado ang sumama na lang kung kani-kanino, but I guess no one can resist that charming but astigin face of him, so bumigay na din ako. In short, we ended up in a motel.
Not to sound like Xerex or anyone from the tabloid, but the experience I had with him I think transcends every adjective in its superlative degree, although I haven’t got any experience to compare it with, ang alam ko lang is magaling siya. And not just that, he was very caring and maasikaso in bed. He kept asking me if I was okay or what else do I want to do, if am comfortable etc. We even talked about few things (during breaks) like gay relationship and both agreed na hindi kame naniniwala dun (sa relationship and love). Tamang trip lang talaga. Never did I know I would be the first to break my philosophy, hanggang inamin ko sa sarili ko that same night we parted ways…I tragically fell in love with him.
I was in terrible pain and confusion right now. Halo-halo na. First time sex. Images of him on top of me kept flashing whenever I close my eyes. Yung feeling na namimiss ko siya. Yung dalawang araw na masakit ang katawan ko dahil sa mga pinaggagawa namen. Kissmarks all over my body. Para na kong mababaliw. Everytime am taking my clothes off, I feel like he was the one undressing me. And the most painful of all, wala akong mapagkwentuhan. Out naman ako sa mga friends ko, kaya lang in the field that we’re working on, this is a very busy season (election) so wala talagang chance.
Was it really possible? Falling in love with a complete stranger? Falling for someone na naka one night stand mo lang? Or baka masyado lang ako nadala ng pagkakataon dahil nga first time ko? I would hate it to be the last one, but how would I know? I always imagined my first time to be a memorable one but definitely not this way. Dapat ba na-i-prepare ko muna siguro ang sarili ko ng husto before diving into this part of gay life? He got my number and promised to text me but until now wala pa. Antay pa rin ako. Dapat ko na ba siyang kalimutan? I wish I’ve taken a stolen pic of him, ayoko siyang mawala sa memory ko.At first I am worried that a lot of people would laugh at my horrendous stupidity, but hell, pagdating naman sa pag-ibig kanya-kanyang kabaliwan lang siguro yan. And it so happened that mine was a crazier version of love at first sight!
as of now, bahagya ko palang siya nakwento sa mga friends ko thru chats and e-mails. di pa rin kasi kami nagkikita-kita. hindi pa rin siya nagtetext. nag-hihintay pa rin ako. umaasa.
wala na yung mga kissmarks. hindi na rin masakit ang katawan ko. but the same images keep rolling inside me like an old movie set in a perpetual re-run.
i would often visit the place we first met. hoping that the same challenging yet very expressive eyes of him would meet mine, once again with a nod of invitation to follow him and probably this time... to a far undiscovered place yet --him heart.