Thursday, May 27, 2010

Love in a one night stand

this is a letter i've written to myself the same night that i gave away myself to some stranger, then tragically fell in love with the same person.


that was three weeks ago.


 but as i revisit the same letter today, i realised, nothing's changed. and the more i f*ck around, the more i was haunted by his flashing images. every touch. every kisses planted were like perpetual fires caressing my every insides...teasing.


i understand that we're all 21st century people. pwede mong sabihing corny. or very 2000 and late. pero anong magagawa ko. ito talaga ang nangyari...


     I am turning 23 this June, a simple discreet gay guy who used to work for a television network. Despite my age, masasabing virgin pa ko until Thursday last week (May 6) when I met this stranger in a very strange place –the restroom. I wasn’t cruising that time, and I guess neither was he but the sexual tension between us was just so crazy we begun making out inside. Since alam namin na delikado yun, lumabas kame ng c.r., sat in a fast food chain resto and talk about few things. He asked if I want to pursue what we’ve started inside 'the john.' Hindi ako makasagot dahil alam kong delikado ang sumama na lang kung kani-kanino, but I guess no one can resist that charming but astigin face of him, so bumigay na din ako. In short, we ended up in a motel. 

     Not to sound like Xerex or anyone from the tabloid, but the experience I had with him I think transcends every adjective in its superlative degree, although I haven’t got any experience to compare it with, ang alam ko lang is magaling siya. And not just that, he was very caring and maasikaso in bed. He kept asking me if I was okay or what else do I want to do, if am comfortable etc. We even talked about few things (during breaks) like gay relationship and both agreed na hindi kame naniniwala dun (sa relationship and love). Tamang trip lang talaga. Never did I know I would be the first to break my philosophy, hanggang inamin ko sa sarili ko that same night we parted ways…I tragically fell in love with him. 

     I was in terrible pain and confusion right now. Halo-halo na. First time sex. Images of him on top of me kept flashing whenever I close my eyes. Yung feeling na namimiss ko siya. Yung dalawang araw na masakit ang katawan ko dahil sa mga pinaggagawa namen. Kissmarks all over my body. Para na kong mababaliw. Everytime am taking my clothes off, I feel like he was the one undressing me. And the most painful of all, wala akong mapagkwentuhan. Out naman ako sa mga friends ko, kaya lang in the field that we’re working on, this is a very busy season (election) so wala talagang chance. 

     Was it really possible? Falling in love with a complete stranger? Falling for someone na naka one night stand mo lang? Or baka masyado lang ako nadala ng pagkakataon dahil nga first time ko? I would hate it to be the last one, but how would I know? I always imagined my first time to be a memorable one but definitely not this way. Dapat ba na-i-prepare ko muna siguro ang sarili ko ng husto before diving into this part of gay life? He got my number and promised to text me but until now wala pa. Antay pa rin ako. Dapat ko na ba siyang kalimutan? I wish I’ve taken a stolen pic of him, ayoko siyang mawala sa memory ko. 

     At first I am worried that a lot of people would laugh at my horrendous stupidity, but hell, pagdating naman sa pag-ibig kanya-kanyang kabaliwan lang siguro yan. And it so happened that mine was a crazier version of love at first sight!

as of now, bahagya ko palang siya nakwento sa mga friends ko thru chats and e-mails. di pa rin kasi kami nagkikita-kita. hindi pa rin siya nagtetext. nag-hihintay pa rin ako. umaasa. 


wala na yung mga kissmarks. hindi na rin masakit ang katawan ko. but the same images keep rolling inside me like an old movie set in a perpetual re-run.

i would often visit the place we first met. hoping that the same challenging yet very expressive eyes of him would meet mine, once again with a nod of invitation to follow him and probably this time... to a far undiscovered place yet --him heart.

19 reaction(s):

anteros' dominion said...

masyado ka lang sigurong naging attached kasi he was the first time

ikaw na rin ang nagsabi na you dont believe in love and relationship

maybe the sense of security habang nagsesex kayo

i dont want to break your bubble dear, but im not really sure if the guy would text you.

Mu[g]en said...

It happens parekoy. Even to the supposed to be jaded ones like me.

SOLTERO said...

you've met a tripper, and an excellent one at that - for him, it's just one of those lays (i should know)..

you've given yourself to him, hence the attachment. pero temporary lang yan, na mesmerize ka lang.

move on.



tol no one will laugh at you

JR said...

Hmmmmm..infatuation lang yan siguro..nasarapan ka sa mga nanyari kaya hinahanap hanap mo - pero marami makapagbibigay sa yo ng same level of satisfaction or maybe even better - try mo si Master Mugen or AD hahaha

Eternal Wanderer... said...

i've forgotten how deliciously painful it is to be in the throes of first love-lust ;)

Désolé Boy said...

thank you everyone!!

ang babait nyo..hehe

jp_cardinale said...

i also have problems with attachments.hehe. i understand what your're going through. there are still many fish (even larger ones) in the sea! =) try to move on.

btw it's also my first time to blog. welcome to both of us! =)

imsonotconio said...

tsk tsk this is bad faling in love with someone you just met

hay!!!!!

Yj said...

i feel you boy...

and jeez... could your writing be more more addictive?

it's so much better than nicotine and caffeine combined.... :P

Désolé Boy said...

thanks YJ!!!
wow..nahiya ako sa sinabi mo..hehe

everyone here..ang babait..kahit ilang araw pa lang ako..

arigatou gozaimasu!

Ewan said...

you are really a virgin
expect for more heartbreaks...
try to explore more so you could learn
how to handle things like this

and yeah what you're going thru
is nothing but normal
especially in the not so normal world of gayhood hehehehhe...

take care pare

arkin said...

darling, i think you are just in this im-not-a-virgin-anymore trance. and well, admit it, he will really have a special place in your heart (blah) kasi he's your first. but move on.

some guys are like that, after sex, they'll get your number but will never appear in your life ever again. right Soltero? LOL h

Jepoy Dacuycoy said...

ganito din yung naramdaman ko the moment na maexperience ko ang first time ko sa kama with a guy.

yung parang naattached ka?

pero narealize kong hindi pala yun love. parang nadala lang siguro ako sa mga nangyari dahil nga first time.

lilipas din yan :)

Nicos said...

Hi Désolé Boy.. :)
Naalala ko tuloy ang first heartache ko. At least ikaw, nagkausap kayo harapan. E ako nga I fell in love with a textmate!!! ikaw na tanga.. :)
As in textmates, walang s*x, walang anuman, pure text messages. O dba?

Pero you have to move on. Kelangan eh.

visit mo naman blog ko..like you, newbie rin ako (:

http://saisaandsaki.blogspot.com

mylawhite said...

OMG!

Sobrang nakaka relate ako sa post mo

Naiiyak nga ako habang binabasa ko
yan din ang situation ko ngayon, ang hirap gusto ko ng mag move on pero nasa isip ko pa rin siya.

I LOVE YOUR BLOG TO THE MAX
kasama na sa isa sa mga fav blog ko

shenanigans said...

ang sweet naman... siguro pag nabasa niya toh ma inlove din siya sayo..

pansin ko lang, mahilig ka sa one night stand and mabilis ka ma fall.. *tsk tsk* pareho tayo..hihi

Master Yam -mr.smasher- said...

masyado ka lang po bakang nadala sa pangyayari kuya..pero its okay lang naman sa kalagyan mo..kahit papaano,kahit una un ung pag iingat niya sayo ay naiiba,di naman nangyari un dahil kagusthan lang ninyo.. :)

Viktor Saudad said...

while reading this entry...biglang flashback. My first time with a guy.
Nakakarelate ako somehow dun sa part na :
"Kissmarks all over my body. Para na kong mababaliw. Everytime am taking my clothes off, I feel like he was the one undressing me. And the most painful of all, wala akong mapagkwentuhan."

...

***napakwento na naman ako sa aking comment. I'll just make an entry for this one. hehe

Viktor Saudad said...

oh...and I do believe one may fall in love the first night. given you've spent talking and doing stuff together.

 

Copyright © 2010 Désolé Boy | Blogger Templates by Splashy Templates | Free PSD Design by Amuki