I just want to share my not so recent decision of resigning from my previous post from a certain tv network mentioned on my title.
why am i writing about this?
for one, am confused. second, people are confused. third, fourth fifth and more...i feel like i failed everyone's expectations. including mine.
back in college, i never saw myself working for any company other than my past employer. dun lang talaga ako naka-focus. my goal. my inspiration. it was like every communication student's dream world!
and it happened. there i was, fresh from my college days, working my ass out in a jungle full of modern days wild life. the worst of the jungle part came to view --the tv production.
i don't know what happened. it was never my intention to work for the entertainment industry. i love news and current affairs. i like filming, but not teleseryes and its primetime gods and goddesses. i enjoy talking to people, but to people who are simple. i call them the everyday demigods. yung mga nagtitinda ng isaw at tokneneng sa Teresa sa may PUP; si kuyang kalahati lang ang katawan na namamalimos sa may overpass sa Cubao; si Lola Nene na itinapon ng mga amo nya sa Anawim Home for the Aged matapos nyang itinuring na pamilya, hindi nagka-asawa at pinaglingkuran sila ng ng mahigit pa sa tatlumpung taon. they are the people inside my mind while pursuing my course as broadcast journalist.sila ang mga pinangarap kong makasama.
sure i was rubbing elbows with the so-called 'rich and famous'. sinong mag-aakala na ang pantasya ng sangkabaklaang Pilipinas na itago na lang naten sa initials na CM (basta sa indie films siya) ay magkukwento saken ng mga sexperiences nya at magiging ka-close ko. it was a crazy world filled with bright lights and huge talks. and those were the same things that made it hard for people to understand my decision.
up to now, when i meet people, especially those who are from the industry i've left, the questions were the same. iba-ibang tao lang. pare-pareho din ang tanong. bakit ka umalis? may nakasamaan ka ba ng loob? sayang naman, anyone would love to be on your place...sinayang mo.
i would just stare blankly on the person's face who asks these questions. then i would smile and divert the talk to something controversial and current. i am very good at that.
i still don't know the answers. minsan gusto ko ring balikan yung buhay na yun. yung walang tulugan, 24 hours na nagtatrabaho at kasa-kasama ang parehong taong kamurahan mo, kasigawan at kaplastikan. i would spend hours and hours in church asking God if I made the right decision. if i really failed everyone including Him.
i don't know what i want. i don't know what i want to be. pero may gusto akong gawin. na hindi ko masimulan-simulan. where to stand? where to begin? i feel like i still have many issues to deal with concerning the past people i've worked with. but for now, i would first deal with my own questions. then paghanda na ko, pwede ko na siguro silang harapin.
at the age of 23, i feel like am already running out of time. so many things to do. so many people to meet. so many places to see. and gustong-gusto ko na talagang simulan. i want to meet my new 'Kapamilyas.' sana mas marami. at sana mas masaya pa!