Monday, May 31, 2010

My little bro wants to have s*x with me

hold on to your hats, it's not what you're all thinking, haha!

nakwento ko na before yung tungkol kay Francis. the fresh grad nursing guy i've met online, natuloy sa eyeball then went straight to a relationship which i now refer to as "bromance."

away bati kami. magtetext siya today then wala na naman the other day. magtatampo ako susuyuin niya ko. magtatampo siya, susuyuin ko naman siya. now its a becoming a cycle.

at the bottom of all these (away bati), i just realised the very reason lately --sex.

i thought that since i managed to build up a very wholesome relationship with him, although we started off in what you would call a trying-to-hook-up-approach, the sexual 'thingies' would just gradually fade off. apparently, am wrong.

i always wanted a baby brother. am the eldest of two and obviously our youngest is a 'sis.' i always imagine myself being the big kuya, teaching my little bro how to play basketball, playing videogames with him and siyempre turuang pumorma sa mga girls (hey, i knew i few tricks having played the 'girlfriend game' before). in short, to be the male figure i never had.

without planning it or so, the activities we're sharing shaped up like the scenario above. playing basketball, spending hours at Timezone and Tom's World, helping him cope up with his not so latest break-up with a girlfriend. but in addition...i am cautioning him into poking his nose in a world am living in right now -the gay life.

he's very much curious of how things are going between two guys who are into one another. i guess that was the reason of his frequent visits on gay chatrooms, talking and trying to catch someone to get to meet up. i would engage him in a few talks regarding this, but if the sexual banter gets too graphic and worse, involve me and him in a scenario, i would hastily withdraw from the conversation.

action speaks louder than voice, but his is a combination of the two. these past weeks lumalakas ang insinuations niya to have sex with me. like texting me last sunday afternoon he was alone at home. and horny at the same time. or discreetly tickling me inside a jam-packed LRT coach on our way home.

alam niya ang pinagdadaanan ko ngayon regarding my first m2m sex encounter and sasabihan pa niya ko na nandito lang naman daw siya to do the rebound. matatawa lang ako at iibahin na ang usapan. this is what irks him often. especially when i did this monotonous sermon of how he should concentrate on his review classes (he's about to take his board exam this coming july) since i discovered lately na napapadalas ang pag-absent niya.mas dumarami ang mga pangaral ko sa pag-oober da bakod nya from straight neighborhood to homo central.

nalungkot ako. i was not the big kuya anymore. more of the big 'ate.'

i must admit, ayoko sana siyang maging gay, bi or whatever label he would prefer later. but i guess the tawag of kabaklaan is too strong to ignore...i should know.

now i fear his curiosity. being the protective kuya, ayoko siyang masaktan at mapagsamantalahan. young, fragile, carefree and you could say cute, makes him the easy target for those sexual predators out there who would mercilessly abuse him. minsan nga naisip ko, makipag-sex na lang ako sa kanya para na lang hindi na siya kung saan saan pa maghanap. kaya lang alam kong hindi ko na kaya. at hindi na dapat.

i would hate to draw the line between us out of the fear na lumayo siya saken and look for someone who will give him what he wants. kailangan ba talagang mag-set ako ng boundaries and tell those myself to his face? hindi pa ba sapat na pinapakita ko in my actions na i couldn't be more than a kuya to him, least of all a f*ck buddy?

masayang masaya ko pag kasama siya at alam kong ganun din siya. dumarating lang talaga ang problema pag sinusumpong siya ng kabaklaan at libog, hehe. i don't know how far this relationship can go but i would like us to remain like this. me as his kuya and him...my lovely baby brother.

eto siya last week nung tumambay kame sa Tom's World sa Robinson's Galleria


Sunday, May 30, 2010

SUNDAY Piece 002: The Larger View

"When the whales fight, it is the small shrimps that die. "
-Korean Proverb

Thursday, May 27, 2010

Love in a one night stand

this is a letter i've written to myself the same night that i gave away myself to some stranger, then tragically fell in love with the same person.

that was three weeks ago.

 but as i revisit the same letter today, i realised, nothing's changed. and the more i f*ck around, the more i was haunted by his flashing images. every touch. every kisses planted were like perpetual fires caressing my every insides...teasing.

i understand that we're all 21st century people. pwede mong sabihing corny. or very 2000 and late. pero anong magagawa ko. ito talaga ang nangyari...

     I am turning 23 this June, a simple discreet gay guy who used to work for a television network. Despite my age, masasabing virgin pa ko until Thursday last week (May 6) when I met this stranger in a very strange place –the restroom. I wasn’t cruising that time, and I guess neither was he but the sexual tension between us was just so crazy we begun making out inside. Since alam namin na delikado yun, lumabas kame ng c.r., sat in a fast food chain resto and talk about few things. He asked if I want to pursue what we’ve started inside 'the john.' Hindi ako makasagot dahil alam kong delikado ang sumama na lang kung kani-kanino, but I guess no one can resist that charming but astigin face of him, so bumigay na din ako. In short, we ended up in a motel. 

     Not to sound like Xerex or anyone from the tabloid, but the experience I had with him I think transcends every adjective in its superlative degree, although I haven’t got any experience to compare it with, ang alam ko lang is magaling siya. And not just that, he was very caring and maasikaso in bed. He kept asking me if I was okay or what else do I want to do, if am comfortable etc. We even talked about few things (during breaks) like gay relationship and both agreed na hindi kame naniniwala dun (sa relationship and love). Tamang trip lang talaga. Never did I know I would be the first to break my philosophy, hanggang inamin ko sa sarili ko that same night we parted ways…I tragically fell in love with him. 

     I was in terrible pain and confusion right now. Halo-halo na. First time sex. Images of him on top of me kept flashing whenever I close my eyes. Yung feeling na namimiss ko siya. Yung dalawang araw na masakit ang katawan ko dahil sa mga pinaggagawa namen. Kissmarks all over my body. Para na kong mababaliw. Everytime am taking my clothes off, I feel like he was the one undressing me. And the most painful of all, wala akong mapagkwentuhan. Out naman ako sa mga friends ko, kaya lang in the field that we’re working on, this is a very busy season (election) so wala talagang chance. 

     Was it really possible? Falling in love with a complete stranger? Falling for someone na naka one night stand mo lang? Or baka masyado lang ako nadala ng pagkakataon dahil nga first time ko? I would hate it to be the last one, but how would I know? I always imagined my first time to be a memorable one but definitely not this way. Dapat ba na-i-prepare ko muna siguro ang sarili ko ng husto before diving into this part of gay life? He got my number and promised to text me but until now wala pa. Antay pa rin ako. Dapat ko na ba siyang kalimutan? I wish I’ve taken a stolen pic of him, ayoko siyang mawala sa memory ko. 

     At first I am worried that a lot of people would laugh at my horrendous stupidity, but hell, pagdating naman sa pag-ibig kanya-kanyang kabaliwan lang siguro yan. And it so happened that mine was a crazier version of love at first sight!

as of now, bahagya ko palang siya nakwento sa mga friends ko thru chats and e-mails. di pa rin kasi kami nagkikita-kita. hindi pa rin siya nagtetext. nag-hihintay pa rin ako. umaasa. 

wala na yung mga kissmarks. hindi na rin masakit ang katawan ko. but the same images keep rolling inside me like an old movie set in a perpetual re-run.

i would often visit the place we first met. hoping that the same challenging yet very expressive eyes of him would meet mine, once again with a nod of invitation to follow him and probably this time... to a far undiscovered place yet --him heart.

Wednesday, May 26, 2010

Life outside 'Kapamilya'

Straight forward.

I just want to share my not so recent decision of resigning from my previous post from a certain tv network mentioned on my title.

why am i writing about this?

for one, am confused. second, people are confused. third, fourth fifth and more...i feel like i failed everyone's expectations. including mine.


back in college, i never saw myself working for any company other than my past employer. dun lang talaga ako naka-focus. my goal. my inspiration. it was like every communication student's dream world!

and it happened. there i was, fresh from my college days, working my ass out in a jungle full of modern days wild life. the worst of the jungle part came to view --the tv production.

i don't know what happened. it was never my intention to work for the entertainment industry. i love news and current affairs. i like filming, but not teleseryes and its primetime gods and goddesses. i enjoy talking to people, but to people who are simple. i call them the everyday demigods. yung mga nagtitinda ng isaw at tokneneng sa Teresa sa may PUP; si kuyang kalahati lang ang katawan na namamalimos sa may overpass sa Cubao; si Lola Nene na itinapon ng mga amo nya sa Anawim Home for the Aged matapos nyang itinuring na pamilya, hindi nagka-asawa at pinaglingkuran sila ng ng mahigit pa sa tatlumpung taon. they are the people inside my mind while pursuing my course as broadcast journalist.sila ang mga pinangarap kong makasama.

sure i was rubbing elbows with the so-called 'rich and famous'. sinong mag-aakala na ang pantasya ng sangkabaklaang Pilipinas na itago na lang naten sa initials na CM (basta sa indie films siya) ay magkukwento saken ng mga sexperiences nya at magiging ka-close ko. it was a crazy world filled with bright lights and huge talks. and those were the same things that made it hard for people to understand my decision.

up to now, when i meet people, especially those who are from the industry i've left, the questions were the same. iba-ibang tao lang. pare-pareho din ang tanong. bakit ka umalis? may nakasamaan ka ba ng loob? sayang naman, anyone would love to be on your place...sinayang mo.

i would just stare blankly on the person's face who asks these questions. then i would smile and divert the talk to something controversial and current. i am very good at that.


i still don't know the answers. minsan gusto ko ring balikan yung buhay na yun. yung walang tulugan, 24 hours na nagtatrabaho at kasa-kasama ang parehong taong kamurahan mo, kasigawan at kaplastikan. i would spend hours and hours in church asking God if I made the right decision. if i really failed everyone including Him.

i don't know what i want. i don't know what i want to be. pero may gusto akong gawin. na hindi ko masimulan-simulan. where to stand? where to begin? i feel like i still have many issues to deal with concerning the past people i've worked with. but for now, i would first deal with my own questions. then paghanda na ko, pwede ko na siguro silang harapin. 

at the age of 23, i feel like am already running out of time. so many things to do. so many people to meet. so many places to see. and gustong-gusto ko na talagang simulan. i want to meet my new 'Kapamilyas.' sana mas marami. at sana mas masaya pa!
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Sunday, May 23, 2010

SUNDAY Piece 001: You

"Look unto yourself in a way you
think God will look unto you."

-Father Nick Lalog

Fil-Jap and Fil-Canadian

this time it isn't about me. this is a story of a friend's recent heartache. i call him -mama.

mama and i were friends for only weeks. actually, we started off a little weird. i responded to his ad from a certain site then na naghahanap siya ng makaka SOP (s*x-on-phone) and he's specifically looking for a brutal top. since i consider myself versatile (and my latest 'bottom' game didn't work out well) i gave in to his invitation with a thought inside my head that this could lead to a real hook-up date.

so to cut the long story short, we ended up as good friends instead of a bosom f*ck buddy.

he would often call me and talk about almost everything which of course most of the times include sex. he even introduces me to a guy via three-way on the phone na pinaliligawan niya saken. but that's another story...

going back, mama had this relationship with a Filipino-Japanese guy named Aki. their relationship lasted for months and he told me they were very much in love with each other then. unfortunately, Aki's father decided to bring him back to Japan for him to continue his study there. being a 21 year old guy dependent to his parents, Aki gave in to his father's decision. and so he and mama decided to call it off.

within the span of time that they were separated, mama and Aki would often exchange mails, but never much of a phone call.

2 weeks ago, mama received a good news. Aki said he's coming back soon here in the Phils and one of the reasons is he cannot bear it anymore not being with mama. and to top it all, Aki wants mama back.

ang saya-saya ni mama while recounting the story to me on the phone. he was very excited. and very much in love...

but then there came Fil-Canadian...

Fil-Canadian is actually Aki's friend. let's call him Hero. Hero is based in Pasig. straight with a girlfriend.

this past weeks, after receiving the good news, mama would often receive calls from Hero asking him things about him and Aki's past relationship. mama didn't mind talking to Hero since three-way sila lagi mag-usap, kasama si Aki. mama and Aki would exchange love talks while Hero's still on the line..

one time, Hero telephoned mama minus Aki. again, Hero would often ask mama of how things went when Aki was still seeing seeing him. mama would politely answer almost everything except for those that are too private. then all of a sudden Hero told mama:
Nak*nt*t ka na ba ni Aki? Pak*nt*t ka pala? Alam mo hindi kayo bagay. Ang tanda mo na, ang bata pa ni Aki. Masyado pa siyang matangkad para sa yo. Hindi kayo bagay.

mama immediately mailed a letter to Aki telling him of his rude encounter with his friend Hero. Aki never addressed the issue...

until two days ago, while having the usual three-way call (mama, Aki and Hero) Hero brutally told mama that he and Aki were actually lovers. at ang rason kung bakit uuwi si Aki ng Pilipinas ay dahil magsasama na sila ni Hero. pinagtitripan lang daw nila si mama like everything was all but a laugh!

during this conversion. Aki never spoke. it was all Hero doing the talking. hindi kagad napatay ni mama yung phone dahil sa shock. he just listened there with everything Hero was telling him. every detail of how they are now in love, their plans etc.

umiiyak si mama sa phone kahapon. awang-awa ako sa kanya. hindi ko rin alam ang sasabihin. he would often console me when i am feeling too bad and yet this time i can do nothing for him...

i am thinking hard about what happened. ganon ba talaga? may mga taong trip lang ang lahat? i must admit am kinda new within the gay dating scene and as i've told in my previous posts, kakadevirginize ko nga lang di ba, hehe.

medyo natakot lang ako for myself. of how people can go with the pure intention of hurting you. of how people can stomach the intentional betrayal and the not so literal f*ck!

am very sad for my mama. i wish i could do more than offering him kind consoling words and my humor. and then naisip ko, marami pang kagaya ni mama. it could've been you. or me next...

Saturday, May 22, 2010


11th of May. almost a week after being 'devirginized' when Francis (not his real name) entered the frame. the sadness brought about by my so-called love in a one night stand were still intense during that time and am so glad he stepped forward, i finally have someone to talk to about it. person to person. face to face.

francis is a newly graduated nurse currently reviewing for his board exam this coming July. he's about the same height as me (am 5'7) maputi, boyish and according to him...straight.

we've met thru a chatroom in a certain blog site. we hit it off instantly and so we decided to meet here in our town -malolos.

he's very cool to be with. i recounted to him almost every detail of my recently concluded first time sex and how i tragically fell in love with that person i've been with. on his side, he told me a tale of a recent break up with his girlfriend who left him for his so-called bestfriend. we talk and talk for hours till dark. the day ended na buddy-buddy na kame. umaakbay siya and naaakbayan ko na din siya. nabibiro ko na din siya and ganun din naman siya saken.

actually, he told me he wanted to experience same sex intercourse. we came to a appoint na almost meron na mangyari, but then we were in a public place so we opted to hold on to our sanity so as to avoid any conflict. i knew then he was all for it. inside my head, my train of reasons were racing whether to pursue him on that aspect or not. and so i hesitated to go further.

as of now, we're friends. nagbibiruan kame ng mga bagay na sexual pero ako na yung unang umiiwas. maybe i don't wanna lose the kind of relationship we have right now. and most of all, i don't wanna derail him from his goal of passing his board exam. isip ko ba eh baka makaistorbo ako sa kanya.

while writing this entry, i was chatting with him. binibiro ko siya na baka nagchachat siya dun nga sa chatroom kung san kame nagkakilala (it was a blog site for gay indie films, so gays and bi ang mga patrons)he said no, he isn't. dahil ako naman si curious, pumunta talaga ko dun sa site, also to look for someone to talk to or whatever might come up. surprisingly, there he is. asking for guys who're also from bulacan.

wow! i really don't know what to say or feel after that! there's this weird stir i am feeling within my insides and i don't want it. i don't like it. are you thinking what i am thinking? i hope it's not (cross fingers)

[photo credit: exilelifestyle.com]

I am your Désolé Boy

Hello everyone! This is my first time entering the world of blogosphere. And this is my story...

Weeks ago, I experienced my first ever sex. Same sex.

It was the craziest yet the most beautiful thing I ever experienced. As of now, I was still searching for the right adjective that could sum up the entire roller coaster ride.

Who's the lucky guy? Some random hot guy I bump with in a public restroom somewhere in Cubao.

You might probably call me a slut with what I've done, but I tell you now...yes indeed! Though not the best one in town, or he wouldn't just left me désolé right now...

Yes. I fell in love with the same guy. I fell in love with a stranger. I fell in love with a one night stand.

With no one to talk to about all these things (I am currently away with friends and am not out at home) I hope you'll bear with me and listen as my story unfolds...

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