Thursday, December 9, 2010

Thank you is never enough. But I say it anyway

NOTE: This is a religious post. Skip if you're not into this kind of stuff. 

December 8 is always marked on my calendar. I never felt ashamed of denying work, explaining to my superiors why I have to absent myself. I would always say, it's the feast of Mary's Immaculate Conception and I have commitments in the Church. 

Last Tuesday, I was rushing to find myself a new Barong Tagalog for the mass. But of course the problem is money so going to the mall is definitely out among the choices. Instead, I hailed a jeepney and traveled all the way to Divisoria to solve the dilemma. 

I settled for the one with the chinese collar and it only costs me 300 pesos. Here it is: 



I thought my business in Manila is settled but then I remembered I need to buy flowers for the altar at home. So I jaunted from Divisoria to Dang Hua. You see, I acquired this image of the Immaculate Concepcion from my first salary working for ABS-CBN and so I am now in my third year as a recamadero (a term used to refer to a person who is an owner and keeper of an image)



So then, the mass at the Cathedral is officiated by our bishop together with the entire clergy of our Diocese. Here are few of my shots. 

The main altar of the Minor Basilica and Cathedral

Processional I
Processional II

Hermanos Mayores


The Priests of our Diocese


Our Bishop, City Mayor, Hermanos Mayores and the Comite de Festejos

This year of celebration of the Immaculate Concepcion is a huge thanksgiving for me. I always say this to people, "lumaki man ako na walang tatay, binigyan naman ako ng Diyos ng tatlong ina: my birth mother, my lola, and my mother in Heaven, Mary. 

You guys knew that I acquired Dengue last September. Yesterday my mother told me that when I was in hospital and she went home to get new clothes, she saw my rosary on my bedside table. She grabbed it and before she went back to the hospital, she paid a visit at the Cathedral. She told me, she knelt down facing the image of the Virgin Mary and she prayed: tulungan nyo naman po yung anak ninyo, nahihirapan na siya. 

Days after, September 8, the so-called birthday of the Virgin Mary, I was released from the hospital and was finally allowed to go home. 

I knew all the things I did and is doing were never enough to express how grateful I am. The year may not have been a good year for romance, finances etc., but I think narrowly escaping death twice is more than enough to say, indeed I am blessed. 

Times are tough but the thought of these special women of my life all praying for me is comforting enough. After all, I'm still one hell of a lucky a guy, don't you think?!


___
"O clemens. O Pia. O dulcis."
-Salve Regina
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Friday, December 3, 2010

Deceptions



Deceptive Cadence is a chord progression that seems to lead to resolving itself on the final chord; but 
does not. 
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Thursday, December 2, 2010

Absurdities

Those pointless equations to which no solutions exists are called absurdities.




Chapter 3 Epigraph
THE GIRL WHO PLAYED WITH FIRE
by Stieg Larsson
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Friday, September 24, 2010

we don't say goodbye

for a month, one of my closest cousins, my Ate Leah, together with her husband Donald and my uber cute niece Gabby, had their vacation here in the Philippines [they are currently based in S. Korea in line with Donald being part of the US Army].

we are all very excited! for one, it's been 4 years since my cuz left the country for her job. second, we finally get to meet Donald and Gabby. and third, syempre madameng pasalubong, hehe. 

the entire month of their stay was a blast! despite Donald and Gabby getting hospitalized (probably because of climate change plus the water and food here), my uncle almost having a heart attack (from all extreme family activities maybe) and dengue fever starting to kick in while having our vacay at Subic (which would be the topic of my next post), the entire ride was a sure fire!

and what's surprising is that Donald and i actually became close buddies. the dude is totally fun to be with although i have to admit i did avoid him in some occasions for being sooo extreme. i had to try different water sports, learn ice skating (which i really really hate) and do mind boggling arcade rides. but he had me with my favorites like, jet skiing, bowling and paint ball (laser nga lang pala. no paints). another thing we commonly shared is music. the guy is a saxophone player. how cool is that, eh? i would love to jam with him. me on the piano, him doing sax and my ate on vocals. hehe. its just me dreaming...

Donald trying to teach DB how to skate


DB and Ate Leah

for their last night here in the Phils, Donald threw a what he called "All American Dinner Party."
as in strictly no Asian cuisine. i think the highlight of this night is when i sang Bohemian Rhapsody. remember the opera part? my entire family sang that and totally nailed it, some neighboors actually checked us out! i forgot most of them are natural born singers. but too bad we didn't get to capture it in a video. so, no evidence for our crime. =(





when the time for them to leave arrived, everyone was sober. but what i didn't expect at all? seeing Donald hugging us goodbye with tears. actually no, he didn't say goodbye. he said see you soon.


a day after we drove them to the airport, i got this message from him in Facebook:


by the way, he left me this as a gift with writings at the back that says: will see you soon!


___
Friendship is born at the moment when one person says to another, 'What! You too? I thought I was the only one.'
-C.S. Lewis
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Monday, September 20, 2010

DB says Thank You

the drama sequence ends here officially. or probably just temporarily. who knows? but all the same, i'm suspending it in no definite term. so i'm welcoming you dear readers to another sequence of Desole Boy's life script. Welcome to Sequence 2.
__
last Sunday, after a night of booze and vodka drowning and the next morning's struggle to perform well at work, on my way to church, the conversations i had with so many people on that short span of time made me decide: it's going to be DB's Thanksgiving Week!

weird right? but here's the backstory.

lately, i am literally being bombarded with huge difficulties. personal, family matters, financial etc. name it and i have it.

but amidst all these problems, i took it by heart, the saying count your blessings, for the very first time and voila! indeed, i realised i have so much to be thankful for.

to name a few,

--for one, i got out alive from being inflicted with Dengue. hallelujah for that! i must admit the entire hospitalization humbled me and made me realise how people actually care so much about me. what's more is that those people whom i least expected to stay overnight in the hospital are the ones who actually didn't sleep at all, wiping my body with wet towel to help ease my fever, holding a basin as i vomit almost every 10 minutes and walking me over to the restroom so i can pee. even poop. i feel like i don't deserve all their care considering that i know for myself that i'm never the good son, cousin, nephew, godson and a grandson. so having these people beside me, they don't have an idea how i'm happy and thankful. hindi pala 'ko nag-iisa.

--yung inuman nung sabado ng gabi kasama yung barkada ko. actually mali palang sabihin na barkada. ayaw kasi namin ng salitang yun. para kasi sa 'min, kulang na kulang ang salitang 'yon para ikabit sa kung anong meron ang samahan namin. sa bigat ng mga pinagdaanan namin ng magkakasama, hindi na nga kami magkakabarkada. magkakapatid na nga siguro kami. sila yung mga taong pinagkakautangan ko kung ano man ako ngayon. kung hindi siguro dahil sa kanila, mas patapon ang buhay ko ngayon. sila yung mga taong nakasama kong maglakad hanggang Cubao kasi wla kaming mga pamasahe. mga taong nakasalo kong kumain sa isang plastic ng kanin habang nakasalampak sa isang sulok ng campus. at kasamang nagtaas ng kamao sa ilang mob na sinamahan namin. siguro nga kaya ganung kalalim ang naging pagsasama namin dahil mas marami kaming mga hirap na pinagsamahan. at sa gitna ng lahat ng hirap na yun na hinarap namin ng magkakasama, dun kami nakahanap pare-pareho ng kasiyahan. salamat talaga. hanggang ngayon nandyan pa rin sila. kasalo sa inuman. matibay na sandalan. 

--then of course there's always my family. am telling you all, we're probably one of the worst family you'll ever find. while we have so much law enforcers among us, we also had the law breakers. drug addicts, sex workers, robbers, adulterers even an assassin (my uncle told us this story about a distant relative who became a hired killer for a certain politician) we had them all. but most of them are now reformed, so relax guys. but despite all these and the fact that we are so poor, i wouldn't trade them for anything. they are the reason why i wouldn't mind travelling everyday from Bulacan to Metro Manila, even if it means i only get 2 hours of sleep. the thought of being surrounded by these people is already a rest. for me, the imperfections of my family is what made them perfect to me.they are the reason why i know i have to survive over and over no matter how hard life can get.

--i always say, pain is the air that artists breathe. and so, i'm thankful of all the pain am carrying right now. because of them, am already learning to share some of my despairs to other people (i am not used to telling people, even my friends about my problems). because of them, i get to accomplish so much at work that am actually looking for more part time jobs right now (message me if you know any). because of them, i became closer to my friends and family. and most of all, my personal relationship with God deepens. and with that, i say bring it on!

--at syempre pa, sa inyo na patuloy na nagtitiyagang magbasa ng mga kalokohan ko. sa ilang beses kong pagtatangka na burahin 'tong blog na 'to, kayo ang dahilan kung bakit natitigilan ako pag iki-click ko na ang delete button. salamat. salamat. salamat. maraming salamat sa inyo 

to start my Thanksgiving Week, after i sponsored yesterday's mass, with the little money left in my wallet, i whipped out my own recipe of crema de fruta for my family. they we're all asking what's the occassion but i just shrugged and said,  trip ko lang basta kumain na lang ka 'yo.

pasensya na pero yung ibang mga thanksgiving deeds ko eh hindi ko na lang siguro i-she-share for the reason that i know all of you will understand, right?

so, HAPPY DB'S THANKSGIVING WEEK everyone! cheers!

___
"Don't waste a minute by not being happy. If one window closes, run to the next window -- or break the damn door."
-a text message from a friend
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Friday, September 17, 2010

for love itself is a stranger, that is why

i am a fool who fell in love with a stranger. a stranger whom i don't even know the real name. i was blinded by the beauty and the bright light emanating. the warmth i felt was such that even by words uttered, i melted. i felt content even with the slightest touch. my thirst for affection, so intense that even a whisper of my name seemed so thunderous, it echoes around everywhere. yet now that the stranger is gone, i can't call thy name in the vast darkness. for i don't know the name. and forever i wouldn't know the name. not tomorrow. or even in the coming years. this name i always call, only in my dreams.

i am a fool who fell in love with a stranger. i don't know where to go. or where to look at to find this stranger. this stranger who found me when i am lost. yet now i don't know how to find thee. it was like searching pins in the ocean. a quest for the rainbow's end.  i plead for help from the heavens, but then hell spits its insults and mockery. i can hear satan with his maniacal laughter. for i am in love with a stranger. a stranger who came from nothing. the very same nothing who took my heart. the reason why i am now almost nothing. 

i am a fool who fell in love with a stranger. a person with no eyes to see me. no lips to kiss me. even a mind to remember me. only a faint heart to love me. i kissed thy face, yet my lips touches the wind. but when we make love, we are brought this insane paradise. and in that instant moment, the person is no longer a stranger. for that person is already inside me. digging through my every senses, searching my entire body and finally entering my soul, capturing every sweat and moan of acceptance. but then as i reminisce and look into my memory, i cannot find the stranger again. and then i will remember, the person has no face. and will forever remain so. no matter which mask is put. it will forever remain so.

i am a victim of love to a stranger i've met. a willing victim, prisoner and slave. though i won't be able to look in thy face, my eyes will always see love as thine own face. i don't even care if you don't have a name, for this feeling i have for you cannot be named. not even the wisest man on earth. not even love itself, for it is ashamed of itself knowing how hollow love's name compared to what i have for you. you may not even remember me as more time come to pass. or probably look and come to me. but that's all right. i won't get tired of falling everyday. i'll battle with eternity. 'till eternity itself give up and surrender you, the beautiful stranger i fell in love with.


___


"Even before I was touched, I belonged to you; you had only to look at me."
-Louise Gluck
___
originally written: the 26th of April 2009


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and it's all because of you

...that i would never be whole. no. there was this piece of my shattered self that was blown away, the one that created this vast hollowness which in no way would be filled. it was you who cursed me with it, you should know that.

...that i'm having trouble trusting. even myself.

...that i don't believe anymore that i was capable of being loved. you've left me. that's all i know. and that brings the conclusion that people would always leave me. i was destined to be alone.

...that last night, I wasn't able to sleep -yet again. if only i could drag you out of my mind. but how? if your blood travels around me. and if your flesh is the same as mine?


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Saturday, September 11, 2010

Dengue

September 5, officially I became one among the 70 thousand Filipinos inflicted with Dengue Fever. What started as a severe headache and a come and go fever turned out to be a dreaded virus that already killed 500 alone this year.  

The Genesis

First night was hell night. Before my mother got to have someone to help her, she was alone with me. Almost twilight then, I started shaking madly. I couldn't control myself and I was shouting how cold I am feeling at that moment. I ordered her to turn off the aircon. My entire body is still shaking. She couldn't leave me alone to call for the nurses. I felt a hot liquid substance trickling on my face. I never noticed I was already crying then. She hugged me tight then and said, just pray. I remember the scapular am always wearing. I tried feeling it. There it was just under my shirt. I was in that state for almost 10 minutes. At last the nurse arrived. Thanks to Paracetamol IV and some more meds injected, I was pacified at the very least.

But the night did not end there. What with cries of a very painful headache, countless vomiting and a fever seesawing from 37 to 38 and to 39, the fine end is just nowhere to be seen.

War of the Platelets 

For my initial platelet count, I hit the borderline of 137. The normal they say is at 150. As medication begins, the next test revealed my platelet count down to 110. Alarming though, the doctor thought it was still a respectable decrease. The problem mounted the next day. My mom went home to get more clothes and other needed stuff. It's just me and my tita. A nurse came telling my tita to come over and that the doctor wanted to talk to her. Unfortunately, she forgot to close the door and so I heard everything they talked about. Apparently, the latest platelet count made an alarming report of a sharp fall, reading from 110 down to only 43, and that the doctor already made a call to the provincial blood bank [of Bulacan] for a bag of platelet. Here, another problem arise. Probably out of nervousness, my blood pressure skyrocketed hitting 140/100. Obviously, more meds were taken in until finally it normalizes in the afternoon whereas the platelet count continue to drop to 40 then finally at 38.

At midnight, they prepared me for a platelet transfusion. The medicine injected before the transfusion is like a very powerful drug which made me dizzy with a feeling that my entire face thickens. As the platelets enter my veins, the pain was overwhelming. I wasn't ready for that. But what could I do? I just welcomed it, counting until it was over probably after 4 hours. I don't know exactly, I must've fallen asleep.

The next morning, for the first time, I was actually feeling better. But the morning news isn't so good. Even after the platelet transfusion, the platelets still weren't winning over the virus. It was down to 33.We were all wondering how is that possible. Here, the doctor talked me over and said it is time I help myself get it over with. So I encourage myself to start eating solid foods for the first time since Friday that I'm not yet confined. I would even sit in the chair for half an hour instead of just lying on my bed. I even started conversing my visitors and would laugh at their goofs. My mood is high. I am beginning to feel better and better.

The 33 platelet count started climbing to 41. After that, it reaches 59. Finally, Wednesday morning, counting to 65 the doctor released me, allowing me to finally go home.

Baby Boy

Not only I felt like one, I was actually named one in the hospital. From my doctor down to the nurses, everyone is calling me "baby boy." Honestly, I was torned between amusement and embarrassment every time they do that. But what could I do? I may probably a 23 year old almost 5'8 tall bloke but under the curse of Dengue, am just as helpless as a 3 year old baby.

Never had it occur to me I'll get Dengue Fever. No, not even in my wildest dream. People couldn't believe it also. Others suspected I got it from my trip to Olongapo last week. My mother said I contacted it in Manila. I myself don't have a concrete idea. But the experience made me realise how important my health is, making me feel guilty of how I neglected it most of the times with no consideration at all. Maybe I have to be first one to treat myself like a baby, yes?


Epilogue

September 8, birthday of the Blessed Virgin Mary, a known Marian devotee was finally healed.

DB is back!

___


"I know God won't give me anything I could not handle. I just wish He didn't trust me that much."
-Mother Theresa of Calcutta

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Monday, August 30, 2010

tinatanaw

mainit. alam mong dapit hapon noon subalit ramdam ng bawat isang lumalakad sa eskinitang iyon ang singaw ng init na ibinubuga ng sementadong daan. dagdag pa ang panaka-nakang pagdaplis sa balikat ng makakasalubong mong kapwa minamadali ang mga hakbang, sabik na ilapat ang mga katawang bugbog sa maghapong tunggalian. 

maliwanag naman sana sa daang iyon kung bawat poste sana'y gumagana ang bumbilya. subalit hindi. ang isa nga'y aandap-andap na't tila ilang minuto na lamang ay tuluyan na ring bibigay.

sa mga gilid-gilid ay ang mga naipong tubig baha na syang langit ng mga lamok na nangingitlog at syang nagbibigay ng panaka-nakang mabahong amoy sa t'wing iihip ang tuyong hangin. na siya namang sinasalitan ng mga plastic na basurang pinaghalo-halong basong inuman, pinagbalutan ng chichirya at pinagsuputan ng kung anu-anong pinamili ng mga tao.

malayo pa lamang ay tanaw mo na sya. doon sa tabi ng apaw sa duming basurahan. sa saliw ng mga nagpipistang daga at ipis, dinig mo ang impit nyang mga pagluha. pilit na isinisiksik ang hubad na katawan sa konkretong pader at ng drum na ginawang tapunan. nakatalungkong yakap ang mga sariling binti. ang mukha'y basang-basa ng mga pinaghalo-halong luha, uhog at laway. tuloy pa rin ang kaniyang pagpalahaw. walang tigil. tila di napapagal.

ibinaling mo ang iyong tingin sa mga dumaraan. nandun pa rin ang mga mukhang nagmamadali. mga mukhang sabik sa pahinga. mga mukhang sabik sa solusyon sa kani-kanilang problema. mayro'n ding mukhang blangko. sa mabilisang pagmamasid mo sa kanila, batid mo na agad na di nila pansin ang hubad na batang lalaki sa tabi ng basurahan. tinanong mo din sa sarili mo, sadya kayang di nila napapansin ang paslit? o sila'y pawang mga nagbubulag-bulagan? nagbingibingihan? o minanhid na ng araw-araw na pagdaan doon, sumasaksi sa araw-araw ding pagpalahaw ng hubad na batang lalaki?

doon lalong nagpalahaw ng iyak ang bata. namimisabis ang daloy ng luha't sipon sa kaniyang munting mukha. taranta ka nang nagpalipat-lipat ang tingin sa bata at sa paligid, tila nagpapasaklolo sa kung sinong di naman makita. bumibigat na ang iyong mga paghinga. sinasabayan na rin ng paggitil ng malamig na pawis sa iyong leeg at likod. naglalakad pa rin ang mga tao. nabulabog ang mga dagang nagtatampisaw sa mga tira-tirang pagkain. dinig naman sa di-kalayuan ang hiyawan ng mga nagtatawag ng pasahero. maging ng tawaran ng di magkamayaw na tindero't makulit na mamimili.

gustong gusto mo na syang hawakan. gustong gusto mo nang haplusin ang mga braso nyang tadtad ng mga sariwang latay, gumuguhit ang mga natuyong dugong tila hapunan ng mga nakadapong langaw. ang mga paya't nyang hita'y balot ng mga putik habang nagnanaknak naman sa paa ang isang malaking sugat na tila kanina lang nalapat. paano'y sagana pang dumadaloy ang sariwang dugong amoy mo ang lansa.

yayakapin mo na sya. hindi mo na kaya. kumakatok na ang mga luha sa iyong mga mata dala ng matinding habag sa hubad na batang lalaking hindi mo naman kilala. tatawirin mo na ang estrangherong distansyang naghihiwalay sa inyong dalawa.

hahakbang ka na lamang sana ng ika'y nagitla. dinadaluyong ka ng napakatinding sakit. abot langit na hapding pumaparusa sa bawat kalamna't mo't sumusupil sa taglay mong lakas. tila nauupos na napaupo ka na lamang sa eskinitang iyon. dinuduwag ng kung anong pwersang hindi mo maipaliwanag, na kailanma'y di maaarok ng iyong kaisipan. laksa-laksang damdaming pagkalungkot, takot, kirot at hangad na pagkalimot.

habang pinagmamasdan mo ang hubad na batang lalaking patuloy pa din sa kaniyang pagpalahaw, natanto mo ang isang napakapait na katotohanan. hindi mo pala kayang hawakan ang paslit. hindi mo sya maaaring yapusin. at kailanma'y hindi mo sya malalapitan. dadaan ang lahat ng tag-ulan at tagtuyot, lumuha ka man ng dugo't sakmalin ni kamatayan, tatanawin mo lamang sa di naman kalayuan ang hubad na batang lalaking iyon. at doon, sa iyong pagtanaw sa kaniya, iyong mapapansin. halos sentro sa madungis niyang noo, isang munting pilat ang nagtatago. munting pilat na pamilyar sa iyo. munting pilat na alam mong iyo nang nakita dati pa at araw-araw mong nakikita. munting pilat na iyo na ngayong maingat na sinasalat.

tuloy pa rin ang salubungan ng mga taong naglalakad sa eskinitang iyon. marumi pa rin. mabaho. di alintana na sa gitna ng nagdudumaling mundong iyon, dalawang tinig na ang nagpapalahaw ng iyak. at doon na nagsimulang gumuhit ang nagngangalit na liwanag sa langit. sunod ay ang kaniyang malutong na mga pagmumura. at sumandali pa, nagsimula sa mga mumunting hikbi, pati langit ay nagsimula na ding magpalahaw.
___

Attachment and detachment
Hello and goodbye
The cycle of my life
Tell me
How often must I die?
-Maria Lourdes B. Abulencia
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Tuesday, August 24, 2010

Prologue(s)

I. 
You held me light, never tight so as not to exhaust me. 
You thought you're giving enough air so I can breathe. 
But didn't you know?
You're the only air I wanna breathe?

II. 
Your slightest stir on my untamed flesh thrills 
my hermiting soul.
The cursed princess stirred, now half-awake. 
And it's not even a kiss yet.

III. 
Stares of nothingness from your eyes were piercing enough 
to dawdle my questions;
leaving strings of euphoria;
ending my unconquerable ire.

IV. 
Back then all important was what catches the sight. 
Now, no more pretentious masquerades and solitaire
when tangible is only a throb away. 

V.
And so the page turns. 


___
"Now, drive me faraway. I don't care where. Just far away."
-Deftores

Sunday, August 22, 2010

SUNDAY Piece 013: Sustain

Let the earth bleed
and the virgins die
For the wrath of the gods
excruciate the viles
For neither the lords
nor the governors
could escape or evade
such fleeting 
fearful grudge.

They will curse the heathen
the haughty oh proud
They will call damnation
's if their saviour
their christ
For the greed for blood
shall never be deprived
Or the need for lust
crave for flesh, amass

Shall the great orb light
blackens at midst
and the pieces of quartz
almost half deceased
then the promise time, alas!
Let the trumphets horn
so the judgment begins. 

-The Prophecy of Lun Yap
by Desole Boy/ 01272010/ 12.20am
___

i am tired. let me rest in your lap, can i?
___

"I'f I'm too cowardly 
to give my life
at least I am brave
enough to take it. "
-Maria Lourdes Abulencia, May 1976. 

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Tuesday, August 17, 2010

An open letter to my future love

Dear You,

During times like this, when I'm most vulnerable and in silent pain, my thoughts would go wonder to that place venerated by your presence, imagining the things you're doing, making a rough sketch on my mind how you look like while figuring out what's running on your mind. That hopefully, yours is making the same leap about me.

I hope you won't get mad when I tell you this, that sometimes, I doubt your very existence. There is that part of me questioning my patience, asking, what are you doing during those solid 23 years, wondering, what's taking you so long.

Anyway, I'm leaving it all up to God, for I sure hope He's perfecting an elaborate epic love story for both of us! Don't you agree?

But please, promise me you'll never be "perfect." I don't want you to be the best looking guy there is, for i'll probably always get annoyed with others constantly ogling at you. I want you to be as simple as you are, though in my eyes, the most beautiful man there is. You don't have to be the richest. I won't mind eating on those street carts and carinderias for as long as I'm with you.

In the same way, I can't promise to be "perfect." You know how my mood swings can get worse. I hope you'll be patient enough to handle them and would just laugh at my melodramatic tendencies. Your tight and warm embrace were enough to make me calm then surrender. You should know that.

I am very sorry too that I'm too much of a brat to learn how to cook, wash the dishes and do the laundry. But i'm trying! I hope you love pasta coz I'm learning a few recipes of them lately.

I know I can even get freaky jealous at times, probably brought about by those countless rejections and heartaches I get to taste while we're apart that built up my tower of insecurities. But it won't matter anymore once you're here. We'll bury them together and leave them over the past where they belong.

However, this I can promise. No matter what lies ahead in our future, I can always be your bestfriend who's willing to listen when everyone refuses to. I promise to laugh at your every joke even though I've heard it countless times already. I will forever remain your number one fan, the silly guy who silently squeals with your simple gestures for I always have this highschool crush on you.I don't know how am gonna do it, but I'll promise to make you fall for me over and over everyday, for as long as time would allow me.

But above all, remember this. I won't stand in your way if ever comes the day (which I hope not) you'll choose someone better than me. Someone you can live quietly with the blessings of your family, friends and this society. It'll be quite difficult for me letting you go, but for your happiness, I know I can't say no.

For now, I will wait patiently, palms held together in prayer. And if you're out there somewhere waiting for me, just listen. It might be me, the next one to knock on your door.


Until our eyes finally meet,
Me




___
"Even before I was touched, I belonged to you; you had only to look at me."
-Louise Gluck

____
as inspired by Cathy Babao-Guballa's article for The Daily Inquirer last August 8, 2010 "My daughter's letter to the man she will love someday"



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Sunday, August 15, 2010

SUNDAY Piece 012: Let Me Live

i can hear your silent cries but i myself lament the fact that i can do nothing but write a post in honor of all of you, praying that it may somehow reach the snob ears of the gods playing Yahtzee in their well polished dens.
[to the unborns]

i deeply regret our disagreement. while your logic and intelligent reasonings, you say, were for a greater cause, such are the health of our beloved women and the population problems of this country, you say, with conviction i am telling you, no matter how tighter you create the knots, the loophole of a halo is bigger than your twisted proposition. there just can't be a right way in killing life, 14 weeks or less in a mother's womb. excuse my incomprehension, will you?
[to EnGendeRights, the Center for Reproductive Rights and other proponents of legalization of abortion]

you are a god! within you, you carry a seed of the future. you may have done a mistake, if that's how you're seeing it, but an angel is not a by-product of that "mistake." and if you're thinking you are alone, then why do you think that angel is given to you?
[to the future mothers]

i apologize for digressing to my usual posts here. we may not agree at all given points but i would like to think that we're just all aiming for one noble purpose - the betterment of this mankind. 
[to my cherished readers]


___

Is this the world we created?
What did we do it for?
Is this the world we invaded
Against the law?
So it seems in the end
Is this what we're all living for today?
The world that we created.


Is this the world we created?
We made it on our own.
Is this the world we devastated.
Right to the bone?
If there's a God in the sky looking down
What can He think of what we've done
To the world that He created?


-from the song Is This The World We Created? written by Freddie Mercury and music by Brian May


the author and his niece

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Thursday, August 12, 2010

sometimes it's all about me baby

finally, desole boy got no more fever, which explains the blurry mode and ambiguous entries the past days. and so am out again, ready to face new guys...i mean new challenges (put down your eyebrow babe, hihi) on the road. so, let's begin with this lame joke i got somewhere:

SADIST: I'm bored. Why don't we torture a cat?
ZOOPHILE: Yeah! We'll torture it then fuck it.
ASSASSIN: We'll torture it, fuck it then kill it.
NECROPHILE: We torture it, fuck it, kill it, then fuck it again.
PYROMANIAC: Yeah! Then we'll burn the cat

---SUDDEN SILENCE---

SADIST: Why don't you say something?
ME: Meow...

___

after a long period of sickness and so much emotional instability, i've got nothing on my brain left now coz most of the contents are flushed down the toilet when i puked. but luckily, i was tagged on one of those notes in facebook,. and so, to keep this blog from not being flushed down the toilet, like the contents of my brain, am posting it here and maybe you'll find it interesting. especially if you want some kicker from those mind boggling entries of other bloggers. peace fellow bloggers!!!!

___

The 25 Random Things About Desole Boy

1. This is actually my second blog. The first one is already 1 year old and it deals with politics and international affairs. So please, don't go bother looking for it, okay?
2. I love Japanese animes, especially those that are not yet popular here in RP. I love them in their original Japanese dub. My top 2 faces are KATEKYO HITMAN REBORN and KYOU KARA MAOU
3. I'm so weird, I once draped my room with black curtains. My lola was so horrified when she saw it.
4. I learned to ride the bicycle at the age of 21. Since then, biking became my official sports.
5. Modesty aside, people would compliment me saying am very talented.
6. I disagree with the above. Often, I feel like I'm jack-of-all-trades but master of none.
7. I almost died due to typhoid fever back in high school.
8. Speaking of high school, that was when I get to taste my first heartache. I'm so ugly then (actually up until now) so I really don't know where I got the courage to court this popular girl in my year who's stunningly beautiful (or so I think back then). I gave her a bouquet of roses. She accepted them but not the love am offering. =(
9. I'm currently in the 3rd year running of me and my bestfriend's bet of me remaining NBSB (no boyfriend since birth) for 5 years or else am gonna pay her 5 thousand bucks. Anyone willing to pay her? Hihi.
10. Regina George's fave movie is Varsity Blues. Mine is Mean Girls.
11. I copied number 10 from the guy above.
12. I think I have ESPN. Kidding! I mean ESP. I can tell if its going to rain.
13. People may think I am very liberated, radical and modern. But the truth is, am very conservative, reserved and religious.
14. I love porn.
15. Burned them weeks ago, magazines, dvds etc.
16. Alright, I kept a few good ones.
17. For a Christmas Party of our department in ABS-CBN, I joined a pageant where I have to look like a drag queen in front of Tony Velasquez and other prominent people, threatened by my boss that if I back out,  I am soooo fired!
18. I learned how to smoke at the age of 7 or 8, thanks to my uncles. But no, am not a smoker at that young age.
19. I can eat a maximum of 5 servings of Leche Flan in one sitting.
20. I am a trouble magnet. Twice, I' got myself sitting in front of the Guidance Counselor for same reason: naghamon ng away at natuloy sa away.
21. I'm super torpe. (so imagine how I did number 9. am totally shaking back then)
22. Am still a virgin.
23. Believe it or not is up to you.
24. Or maybe you want to find it out for yourself?
25. I've got nothing more to say, I think am starting to bore you guys.

Yey! Done!

i hope none of the above will be used against me in the future. so keep your mouths shut. It will be our little secret, geddit?

___

"Talking about oneself can also be a mean to conceal oneself."
-Friedrich Nietzsche
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Monday, August 9, 2010

kung maaari sana

[para sa isang taong lagi sa mga panaginip ko ngunit wala sa mga pangarap ko]

kinulang pa ng isa, sakto sana sa dalawampu
sapagkat kulang ang daliri para sa wasto.
kung pagmamasdan mo nga't
titgnan pang mabuti
kita na ang mga aninong
sumasayaw sa ritmo
sa mga pahinto-hintong imno.


isa, dalawa, mga matang luwa.
tatlo, apat, lima, damit na luma.
anim, pito, nawala ang walo.
siyam, sampu, susunod sa dalawampu.
dala-dalawa, parehong kaluluwa.
isa-isa, lambong ng luksa.


nilaro-laro nga ang mga salita't
minura-mura ang mga berso.
pantay-pantay ang lapat.
bawat himig humehele sa lintik.


kaya hanggang ilan ang kayang bilangin?
paano kayang pagagalingin?
saan-saan huhugutin?
bakit pa papantayin?
kung buo na ang sugat
at ampat na ang dugo,
saka pa lang aamin,
iba ang bilang, lalo pa sa isa.

___

the poem written above was originally posted on my Facebook account. a friend commented and here's what he said:

umiindayog ka man
sa saliw ng tadhana
tanging impit
yaong mga tinig...


___


"A teardrop is insignificant in a pool of water, but it can touch the soul as it runs down someone's face."
-Anonymous
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Sunday, August 8, 2010

SUNDAY Piece 011: More or Less

"Love is not blind -- it sees more, not less. But because it sees more, it is willing to see less."
-Julins Gordon
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Thursday, August 5, 2010

lonely housewife

I  
tick tock...tick tock... I



i was frantically drumming my fingers over a pile of books. i tried reading them but can't make sense even a single word of them. i went for a walk, hoping to bump with some acquaintance to ease the waiting, but i reached the other building yet no one came. or it might be that my mind is still wandering somewhere. and so i failed to hear people calling my name, or felt their pinches on my left arm.

I  tick tock...tick tock... I

i went back on my table. i tidied it up a bit. i arranged my books. thew away unnecessary papers. i shifted on my seat. stared at the tv monitor [can't head nor tail what it's saying]. i turned to the computer, but there's no internet connection [it's always like that].

I  tick tock...tick tock... I

after a huge yawn, without checking my phone, i packed my things. swiped my access badge then begun trailing an almost 10 minute walk to the bus stop. before that, i checked my wallet and count the paper bills in it, but no luck. they weren't enough for me to hail a cab. sooner, i was like awakened only to find myself in the middle of north luzon expressway, sitting on the last row of a non-air conditioned bus. after a minute [or so i think], i called the attention of the bus conductor, told him am alighting over the next stop. 

I  tick tock...tick tock... I

at home, i went straight to my room to drop my things, then, picked up the towel for a trip to the bathroom. i stripped down and left nothing. i let the water drown me temporarily. satisfied, i dried myself up. later, i grabbed a freshly laundered boxer shorts and a sando from the drawer, then head straight to the dining table. i ate quietly. when finished, i left the dishes at the sink then proceeded to brush my teeth and for a gargle of mouthwash. 

I  tick tock...tick tock... I

after killing the lights, i climbed on my bed. for the first time since at work, i checked my phone and i felt a small trickling on my stomach. i laid it down on my bedside table. in the name of the father, and of the son and of the holy spirit - and with that, i cover myself up with a blanket, a pillow covering my face. i fell asleep. 

I  tick tock...tick tock... I

And again it is night.
At day, I wish for night to come.
That I would finally get to dream, 
rest my head, be free to flee.

But never did I know
of the frail sound of mellow
of solitude
that's now consuming me.

I wish for the morning to once again dawn.
A chance to redeem 
my lonely broken soul.

___

"Carry me, like you were my brother. Love me like a mother. Will you be there?"
-from the song Will You Be There by Michael Jackson

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Sunday, August 1, 2010

SUNDAY Piece 010: Seed and Fruit

MAN: Master, what are you selling?

BUDDHA: Whatever your heart desires.

MAN: I want peace of mind, happiness and freedom from fear...for me and the whole world.

BUDDHA: (smiling) I don't sell fruits here, only seeds!
___

ADDITIONALS:

i was sitting alone on a bench, reading a book while tuned in on my i-Pod, days ago in Greenbelt when this guy approached me and introduced himself. he's so cute, he immediately jumped onto my lap then kissed me.

guys, meet Basti.



















he's so sweet and adorable, yes?
















see? he just can't wait to lick kiss me!
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Friday, July 30, 2010

the 'Dyosa' [Goddess]

i remember it like it was yesterday. i am at my second year in college, you were in your third. we became classmates at one subject and frankly, you didn't make a good impression on me. or probably i was just seeing you as a competition seeing how outspoken you are. smart. composed.

then we became groupmates for community outreach program which was staged in Imus, Cavite. i am the Campaign Director and you're my deputy. i didn't like the idea at first since am not comfortable with you around. don't get me wrong. it's just that i barely know you. plus, you were friends with our class' worst nemesis, so there. yeah, am prejudiced.

but i didn't know you were that cool. you're ideas caught me unexpectedly. you're a passionate actor. eloquent. a leader.

i noticed we have so much in common. same passion with media and the arts. you're a good actor, i think am a good director. you sing well, i am a musician. i didn't expect us to be friends. my partner in crime. coz unlike the others, you are always brave enough to tell me straight to my face whenever am wrong, you won't spoil me.

the entire semester ended quickly. and while i contacted gastritis due to that project, i luckily gained many new friends. and that includes you.

we parted ways. you graduated ahead of me, obviously, and just as i had suspected, you were brilliant in the actual field. you landed at our dream network. you worked with the top minds of television honchos. your name became synonymous to hardwork and creativity [according to a famous director]

then came my time to leave the academe for the real world. thank God, i got in with the same network you did. we're now in a same family.

i was rushing then, running to get to the other building. and as i swipe my access badge, there you were at the other end. i barely recognize you then. your skin is burnt. you were very thin and dark circles are very much visible in your eyes. i said, how are you? you replied, busy much. i continue, anong show mo? you answered, yung kay direk **** parin. si ***** parin ang bida. kaw, meron na? i shrugged and said, hopefully. sorry, i gotta go. see you around, you said. and with that you waved goodbye.

that was the last time we talked. so imagine how i felt, when i heard the news. i was submitting my papers and other requirements on HR then. they were talking about a guy. a production assistant who contacted a broncho pneumonia at the course of work. and to my horror, i found out that it was you. and the worst, is that you already left. you left us. you left us forever.

it's almost a year now. and i am thinking, with our last encounter, if you've told me then you were in great pain, i would've hugged you. tell you how grateful i am for being your friend. that i'm sorry am prejudiced at our first meeting. and that i would advise you to stop. to leave the job we both dreamed off then back in college. to find a job where you have to clock in at a certain time then at some point after 8 hours or so, pack your bags then head home to rest, yearning for the next rest day to come.

but who are we kidding. we both know we don't want that. or probably we both thought we don't want that. oh, how we anticipate those days when we won't sleep three days straight, kissing the asses of those wannabes whose college credentials could not even match ours. or the warm touch of countless lights as they flash on you as you dozed off waiting for the set-up to finish. or the weight of several DVC Pros and mini DVs [of course we are using XD Cam Discs now] as you hugged them with your arms wishing it were pillows.

sometimes i wish you didn't have to. sometimes i wish we didn't have to. if only this world of ours is kinder. or gentler. or more compassionate and a bit caring. then maybe, you didn't have to leave so early. no. you didn't have to...

___

Kuya RC,

It's almost a year now, yet the pain of losing you is still imminent. May you now find rest and solace that this world has stolen from you for so many years. Alam ko, kasama mo na ngayon ang tunay mong mga kapamilya. Forgive us. It's just that, we miss you so much.

E***
___

 "Some people come into our lives and quickly go. Some stay for a while and leave footprints on our hearts. And we are never, ever the same."
-unknown author
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Tuesday, July 27, 2010

no, there's no fairytale

this post is dedicated, or better, a tribute to some people.

first, to jay. if only we can remain drunk everyday, eh? but no, it just can't be.
second, to tess. i believe, a woman named tin isn't the incarnation of love, no?
third, to those lovely couple i am watching while sipping my beloved caramel machiato a while ago in greenbelt. a couple made in heaven!
and lastly, to this boy i always knew, who DOESN'T eat apples.
___


once there was a boy who loves apples so much, he can't survive a day without having one. every week his mother would make sure she bought seven of it [or more] from the market so her boy would never miss a bite.

but then, one day, the mother got sick. being the little boy who don't know yet how to take a trip to the market and buy his beloved apple, depression creeps on him. the little boy cried and cried but no apple came. and so he decided...

when the boy's mother got better, the usual apples came back. but this time, the boy wants to make sure he'll never get to miss an apple again.

carefully, as he bites into his apple, he made sure he get to keep the seeds. he will plant an apple tree in their lawn.

the boy's mother noticed his sun digging holes in their lawn. she asked what he's doing.

"what are you doing son?"

"mother, am going to plant an apple tree here in our yard, " said the boy, smiling as brightly as that morning's weather.

the mother smiled gently as she kindly touched her son's innocent face.

"son, do you not know it's just impossible to grow apple trees using those seeds you've got?"

"but why?" the boy answered very confused.

"because...its just the way it is. it is not in its nature to grow in yards. and the seeds used for apple cultivation are special and different. but you'll get to learn all those as you get older."

"what if i take good care of it well? i won't leave it. i'll stay with it all the time. i'll water it everyday. i'll even cover it during storms and too hot weather. i will love it like i love you and dad. will it grow now?"

"i am very sorry son. but it just can't."

seeing the painful look on her son, she said consolingly, "son, don't worry i can always buy you apples whenever you want. or maybe we could ask someone to buy one for you if ever i can't."

"but i want to grow them here. so i'll get to see it grow and take it whenever i want. i want it to be my very own."

"son, if you really want to plant trees i can get you some good seeds, but not apples'. let say..how about papaya? or maybe guava? or how about some tomatoes or banana on our backyard? you'll love them for sure!"

"but mother, i really love apples. i really do."

his mother don't know how to answer him anymore. she just stared at him. and there she saw confusion and sadness at the young face of her son.

she could not bear anymore how painful it is, not being able to give what her son wants. she hugged him tightly, thinking if she could only plead to the apples to grow in their yard. but she knew. she always knew. it just can't be.

in the course of time, the boy would not give up. he will contemplate and try hard with all his heart if he can really grow apples in his yard.

soon, he'll find out...

___

"Love is like handing someone a gun, having them point it at your heart, and trusting them to never pull the trigger."
-Michael Gardner
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Sunday, July 25, 2010

SUNDAY Piece 009: Go Ahead

"Hindi mo dapat iniiyakan ang nakaraan. Isipin mo, bakit nasa harap ang mata? Ito ay para lagi mong nakikita ang iyong hinaharap."
-Doraemon

___

lam ko medyo pamilyar na tayo dito sa quote na 'to ni dorameon. kaya lang, pansin ko, marami kameng akong  kaibigan, maging mga kasamahan dito sa blogosperya, ang malulungkot. kaya para ito sa kanila. para sa inyo, sa 'ting mga Nobita.
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Friday, July 23, 2010

Désolé Daddy(?)

i always say, i don't like kids. i hate their tantrums (coz my tantrums are worse) and am sooo very impatient, perfect, yes? so imagine my surprise when people would often tell me am really good with kids and that i would make someone lucky by being a good dad. i wouldn't buy the idea.

but there was this one time back in college, it was the university foundation week and i was really having fun when a very cute kid suddenly appeared on my side. he was very cute. i saw a great deal of myself in him, well, judging from my baby pictures. and besides, pareho kameng may mahabang buntot sa buhok.

the kid turned out to be my classmate's son. i don't know how it happened but i just found myself baby sitting the brat for three consecutive days. my classmates were very envious coz the kid won't go and play with them. we're inseparable. i was weirdly shocked of the connection he had with me that he threw tantrums when his mother tried to take him for lunch (as i was about to dine with my barkada). and so to save the kid from further tears, i said it's okay and i thought i can take him for lunch.

 first, i admit, i wasn't liking the idea that i'm brat sitting instead running all around campus committing crimes, which are legal since it's foundation week. i just noticed that i was slightly, alright i admit, i was highly enjoying the kid's company. i just saw myself making weird noises and gestures just to make him laugh and would even spend my allowance just to buy him food and other whatnots he would see.

day one ended with great effort telling the kid to go home with her mom and that he could come again tomorrow and we'll play whatever he wants. the next day, i was fed with tales from his mother on how she had to endure the whole night hearing my name non-stop. i glowed with pride.

three days ended quickly. after the foundation week, the usual classes returned. for our subject, our professor tasked us to pick two personal belongings that we're carrying right at that moment, then think of two important persons in the room that we would gladly give the chosen items. i picked a treasured ticket in my wallet of my very first young musician competition in CCP and a rosary which i always carry in my pocket. i gave them to two of my bests friends.

then came ate rhea's (the kid's mom) turn. if you're expecting she's gonna give me one of her two items, then you're right [and wrong at the same time. you'll see]. but me, i wasn't expecting it that time to be honest. we're not even friends and the idea was really just not fitting with the way we interact then.

she started her speech. hindi pa nya niri-reveal nung una kung sino yung pagbibigyan niya. sabi niya (am trying to drag out the exact words she used here from my memory bank), she will forever be indebted and grateful daw sa taong pagbibigyan niya nung item niya. as a mother daw, her son is not just the most important person in her life. he was her very own life. and for her son to be treated with such special care that i gave, no mother in this world won't be happier and be more than thankful. and that that person would always remain special sa kanilang mag-ina. here, tears begun trickling down her face, she ran to my seat and hugged me tight, her voice broke as he whisper thank you on my ears in which in all powers i could summon, i tried pushing back all the tears racing to be out only to find out they would betray me as the whole room exploded with such emotional claps.

she then apologized to our professor and said she won't be able to give the other item to any other person in the room. with this, she handed me her son's feeding bottle and baby cologne.

i still think don't like kids. but memories like this bring me to a future where i have my own son, tirelessly playing basketball and running with him in the park. being the father who's always around, which i never had. being the father that he could look up to. a figure of authority but with comfort. a sense of security and a friend who will always be there.
___

just so you know, we managed to maintain communication, although we very seldom exchange messages now since the fall of friendster. once, ate rhea and his husband invited me to their hometown in tarlac for RD's birthday but i never made it. RD's 7 years old now (i planned to post a picture of him here kaya lang hindi pa ko nakakapagpaalam sa mom nya, so saka na lang) and her mom's currently working in Dubai.
___
 ___
"Fish said: I can't see my tears 'cause I'm in the water. Water said: I can feel your tears 'cause you're in my heart.
-taken from Wanggo Gallaga's blog
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Monday, July 19, 2010

monday madness

bilang panabla sa mga kadramahan ko sa mga nagdaang posts, hayaan ninyong bigyan ko naman kayo ng konting komedya. at sino pa ba ang bukod sa the best na eh pinaka-safe pa na pagtawanan, syempre ang sarili ko na, di ba?

anyway, ganito kasi yun, bored ako kaya ayan, binidyo ko na lang ang sarili ko. next time na yung pang x-tube dahil nahihiya pa ko at first time ko magpaka-narcissist. timing din na sabaw na sabaw talaga ko ngayon (obvious sa mga choice of words ko, di ba?) at wala akong maisulat na matino. 


pero eto ang catch. may crush yata kase ako na isang blogger.
.
.
.
.i know right? parang naririnig ko na na sumisigaw yung commandment na nakalagay sa blog ni conio. sabe: Thou shall not fall in love nor make out with another blogger


but no need to panic. hindi naman mauuwi sa love 'to. besides, hindi ko nga alam if  he's "one of us." i mean, parang hindi naman kasi siya bi or gay eh (am breaking another rule of conio here, yung number 1 commandment, hehe) base sa mga posts niya. but he's reading my blog. and the other pink ones too. proof na ba yun?


anyway, dedicated sa kanya ang song. obvious na kinakabahan ako while doing it kase naiiisip ko nga na sa kanya dedicated (gosh am sooo cheesy) so sana he'll get pass through my awful voice and mediocre piano playing and hopefully kahit papano eh maappreciate nya.


[am so making a big deal out of this eh 1 min video nga lang 'to, hmpf. pero pag nag-comment sya at nagustuhan nya gagawa pa ko ulit ng isa pa, nyahahaha]
___

"A man needs a little madness, or else he never dares cut the rope and be free."
-from Zorba the Greek by Nikos Kazantzakis
 

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